Hello, Frank? This is Greg, from Consolidated Solutions. How’s it going? Great.

Well, listen, everyone on the team really loved meeting you, but I’m sorry to say we’re not going to be able to offer you the job. Your qualifications were outstanding, sure, but we were really looking more for somebody who already has this job—you know, a person who has worked in this exact position at our specific company for the past five or six years.

Don’t get me wrong—on paper, you had pretty much everything we were looking for. We wanted an account executive with eight to ten years of experience who specializes in the restaurant industry, and you are indeed an account executive with eight to ten years of experience who specializes in the restaurant industry. The problem is, all eight to ten years of your experience were at a company that is not Consolidated Solutions, which could lead to all sorts of problems if we bring you on here. Your supervisor’s name would be Stacy, for instance, and I happen to know that your current supervisor’s name is Sheila. We just don’t have the resources right now to spend 20 minutes training you to say Stacy instead of Sheila.

And when you factor in that the bathrooms are almost certainly in a different part of our office than they are in your office, that training process could easily stretch from minutes into… well, more minutes, I guess.

You made it very far in our interview process, just to be clear. It was down to you and an internal candidate, although we ended up not offering her the job either. We loved that she already worked here and understood our culture and everything, but we didn’t love that she already worked here at a different position than the one we were looking to fill. And, sure, she’s basically been doing the open job since her supervisor left a few months ago, sparking us to list the position in the first place, but getting used to referring to her by her new job title would have taken us, like, an hour at least. Plus, we would have had to give her a raise, which, ick.

I’m sure you’re frustrated, but I blame myself for most of this, to be honest. I just wasn’t clear enough in my job description about how important it was that anyone interested in applying for the position already have the position. I should really talk to our head of recruitment about this, although that role is actually still vacant as well. Turns out it’s pretty hard to find someone out there who has at least ten years of experience working as head of recruitment at Consolidated Solutions!

Anyway, I really hope this doesn’t discourage you from applying to other jobs here that might open up in the future. We all loved that you were fluent in Spanish, just FYI, so if we have any positions going forward where that skill would be helpful, and this whole “multiverse” thing turns out to be real, and you’re able to access it and bring the version of yourself who accepted that position at this company three years ago into our universe, I can pretty much guarantee that you’d get the job.

Although, to be totally honest, if you could bring a version of yourself who accepted that position at this company five years ago into our universe, that would be much better.

Thanks again for applying, and let’s make sure to stay in touch! With a resume and skill set like yours, something tells me we’ll be having this exact same conversation again in the very near future!