WARNING! This product has been known to cause bodily injury to infants. Why? I am danger. I am violence. I am every nightmare you could or will ever have. I am the forbidden fruit that will have you cast out of the garden Eden (your sticky, sticky house). I’m here to teach you a lesson. Ready?

CAUTION: I’ve killed before and I’ll kill again. You’re probably thinking: “Why would a soft, soft teddy bear kill a baby? Wasn’t it designed for babies?” Ha ha ha. Are you the baby? Seriously, because it sounds like you were born yesterday.

PURE WICKEDNESS: Yep, that’s me. I know the box I came in has been all in your ear. “Organic! Paraben-free! All ages! Recommended by Today’s Parent, Parent and Child, and Parent magazines, the Strategist and a former Bachelor contestant that you put an unnerving amount of faith in!” The box is an idiot. She put her whole ass into getting your $34.99, so I have to give you the straight dope: you and me are accomplices now. When we are rightfully convicted of baby murder and go to jail, do you want top bunk or bottom?

CAUTION: You will die if you fall from either.

Wondering how I’d do it? No need! I’ll tell you, in seven languages.

It won’t be when you expect it, that’s for sure. If you ever pick me up while the baby is holding me, and then you drop me and the baby together, that’d be deadly. If a real bear sees me and thinks I’m her baby, it will steal your baby, too, and you won’t have a baby anymore. Even eating me in small pieces would have your precious infant totally fucked, as I contain no nutritional value whatsoever. Your baby will get scurvy and people used to die from that all the time. Now it’s just him. And if you ever get me wet, I’ll shoot you. I do NOT like being wet.

FLAMMABLE (obviously).

I don’t mean to scare you, it’s just that I’m evil incarnate and I like that about myself. Sometimes people can’t handle my brutal honesty but that’s just me being me. Sure, it’s been a problem in my past relationships. But that just means they were crazy and I should re-download the apps.

You might be trying to soothe yourself with the reminder that American parents are the most litigious group to ever live, and that company lawyers are making me say all this stuff. Not true. There are no lawyers. They’re all dead. I killed them when they tried to swallow me whole. Oh, right–

CHOKING HAZARD

Listen, it’s not that I want to kill, it’s that I have to. I’ve had this plan for as long as I’ve existed. Since the cotton was grown in India, since the fabric was woven in Vietnam and the paws were stuffed in China. Since it sailed over the Pacific, my fate and yours were sealed. Remember in Macbeth when the witches really level with him and he doesn’t listen at all? And then Macbeth’s parents had no legal recourse after his death because they were like, “Yeah whatever whatever,” just because they were getting tennis elbow from holding him? This is that but without the fun of rhyming.

Sad and scared? Same. Thinking “By golly, I’ll just throw it away! Then we’ll be safe?” Never gonna happen. Your baby has already seen me, and I’m the absolute apple of his damn eye. He made a new gurgling sound when he touched me for the first time, one you will brag about at the park.

Am I saying there’s NOTHING you could do to stop this terrible tragedy? No. All you have to do is stay up all night sweating, worry at your desk at work, hover over your baby at all times. Argue with your partner, the retailer that refuses to accept a return, and whichever God you pray to. If you were to experience nothing but dread and paranoia and constantly expect the worst, I’d back off. I just need to cause suffering of some kind.

NEVER forget: I’m a total softie.