Rules for a Silicon Valley High School Dance in 2029
Students are not to ask the Steve Jobs hologram any questions pertaining to how much he actually did at Apple as opposed to the engineers.
Tag: Children
Things That Used to Be Fun in High School, But Aren’t Anymore
In order to experience that again, I had to erase my first kiss. I tracked down any record or indication that Julie Wexler ever walked the Earth.
Free to a Good Home: Adorable Dog, Absolutely Nothing Wrong with Him (Eats Dogs)
If you don’t keep the dead dogs in the freezer, Doctor Snuggles will devour all the dogs in one sitting. He's a huge pig. Aren’t you my little pig?
Where the Hell are All the Snowmen?
Every snowstorm, I was out in my front yard. That is your duty as a child in America. These snowflakes need to buck up and make a fucking snowman.
The Family in “A Quiet Place” was Actually Afraid of Noise Pollution, Not Monsters
How is communicating in sign language, walking on sand trails, or keeping your children in soundproof rooms, really that different from recycling?
What to Do When Your Second-Grader Brings Home Bad Artwork
Now that you’ve sufficiently tortured your sweet angel for the past hour, make him watch as you make your own macaroni artwork.
A Complaint Letter to the Cherry Tree Lane Homeowners Association
Also, there seems to be woman flying to and from number 17 Cherry Tree Lane by means of an umbrella.
I Had My Face Torn Off By a Bear and Lived to Write This Op-Ed About Vaccination
I know I certainly didn't fight my way through twelve miles of wilderness with no face to allow big government to turn all of our kids autistic.
List: Beloved Children’s Books Vandalized by Curmudgeons
CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG Pooped on My Lawn Again After I Specifically Told those Kids to Keep Him off It
An Apology from That One Friend Who Takes the Super Bowl Too Seriously
I’m sorry I climbed a utility pole outside during halftime to hang a handmade flag with my team’s logo.