I Suppose You’re All Wondering Why I’ve Gathered You Here
I learned that another billionaire you all despise was going to gather you for a similar dinner next week—and I one upped him!
Comedy Writing
Finally, a Harmless Alternative to Jurassic Park
Instead of the dangerous, unethical practice of cloning once-extinct dinosaurs, our exhibits are human clones who pretend to be dinosaurs.
Corrections to Last Week’s Guided Meditation
For one of the times when I said exhale, I meant inhale. I did not mean to instruct you to do double exhales.
I Am Proof That Neuralink Works!
Soon we'll live in a world where Neuralink will let us surf the internet just by thinking about it and bleeding from our eyes.
Our Farewell Tour Has Been Postponed
Sad news to report to Arrowhead fans: At a Cincinnati concert, bassist Valmer DeSota got his long hair stuck in the strings of his bass.
Notable Events from NASA’s Early Space Program
1851: As railroads begin crisscrossing the nation, NASA constructs its own line of over 300 feet of railroad track going straight upward.
Things I Think While Watching a “Black Mirror” Episode
Oh maybe that guy's not a robot. Now I don't think this one's about robots at all.
Your Monthly Productivity Review
Time off task (12 minutes): Nerve sensors detected hunger prior to your lunch break. Hunger is personal time.
So Who’s the Real Monster in All This?
Who is the real monster here? The tentacled creature lurking in the vapor outside… or were you all the real monster this whole time?
Pictures with Santa Packages, from Best to Cheapest
This Santa is cloned from DNA from the original St. Nicholas, and raised in captivity in our North Pole mock-up.
You Can Achieve All Your Dreams with No Sleep
It's the second night that gets tricky. That's when the bats come.
Common Complaints About Our Clones
My clone is always ill. Plus, our clones are deficient in blood, because we didn’t give them enough blood, so they are often woozy.