Utilizing advances in monitoring technologies that allow us to fully track every aspect of your job, we've observed the following violations of your expected performance as a warehouse associate over the course of this month:
Time off task (4 seconds): Wiped sweat from brow, rather than tolerating it, or willing yourself not to sweat.
Idle time (3 minutes cumulative): Nerve sensors detected multiple instances of your nervous system taking an excessive 0.3 seconds to send a signal from your brain to your body to engage in your work tasks.
Unproductive action (2 minutes): Used a company bathroom for personal urination.
Time off task (37 minutes total): Brain sensors detected distracting thoughts, such as, “What is it like to sleep?”, “Please end this,” and a desire to drink either beer or gasoline until you pass out.
Misuse of company property (5 minutes cumulative): Your neck’s swivel capabilities were engaged to glance away from work tasks.
Unproductive action (6 minutes cumulative): Skin sensors detected that you grew half an inch of hair over the course of a month during work hours. You are instructed to reapply all effort expended for hair growth to your job duties.
Time off task (10 seconds): Distracted by an hourly announcement to work harder.
Sub-par performance: Your right hand is outperforming your left hand. You are instructed to take part in company-provided ambidextrous training workshops after your shift (unpaid).
Misuse of company property: Skin sensors detected four gallons of sweat produced during your shift. Since this was produced during work time, this sweat is ours. We want it.
Other (90 minutes): Perfectly adequate work, but your heart just didn’t seem in it.
Time off task (12 minutes): Nerve sensors detected hunger prior to your lunch break. Hunger is personal time.
Time off task (10 minutes): During a company-mandated mindfulness session, emotion sensors detected that you were resistant to company mood-enhancing techniques.
Unproductive action (4 minutes): Joy experienced (joy is not currently part of your benefits package).
Excessive communication with a coworker (5 seconds): Any interaction with a coworker that is long enough to fit a verbalization of the word “Unionize” is forbidden.
Unproductive actions (5 hours cumulative): Gene monitoring scans indicated that your DNA is replicating with traits not conducive to creating an offspring that would one day work for this company.
Unproductive actions: More sweating. You are instructed to turn in all sweat at the end of each week.
Time off task (10 hours): Lung sensors indicate you took 18,154 breaths when about 16,000 larger breaths would deliver the same amount of oxygen to your body. You are instructed to practice deeper breathing during your off hours, or come to work intubated.
Misuse of company property: Muscle sensors detected you used skills acquired at work on your day off.
Unauthorized action (12 minutes): Made an unapproved exit from your workspace to pass out from excessive heat, leaving the machines in your workspace lonely.
Performance note: Blood sensors detected an insufficient amount of dopamine in your bloodstream while in the presence of a supervisor.
Time off task (48 minutes): Excessive time spent in the sweat collection chambers.
Idle time (5 minutes): Right arm severed in conveyor belt. Right arm then spent company time writhing and wriggling, when most studies show that an arm can continue moving on task for nearly 5 minutes after being severed.
Unproductive action (2 hours): Experienced distress not related to your poor work performance.
Subpar performance: Performance lacking because your underperforming arm is the only arm left. Someone didn’t take advantage of ambidextrous training back when they had both of their arms!
Unproductive time (3 days): Excessive time off recovering from surgery to attach a company-provided robotic arm. (Supervisor's note: “You're welcome!”)
General performance: The rest of your body is underperforming your robotic limb. You are instructed to come to work as just the robotic arm, and without the human extension.
Unproductive actions: Robotic arm is not producing nearly the same amount of sweat for us as your former right arm.