Sleeping Beauty

Experience Disney’s wondrous 1959 hit in compelling live-action form for the first time ever! It will be exactly as you remember it—literally, given that we have not changed a single plot point or line of dialogue—only better, because live-action and higher movie ticket prices! Starring Reese Witherspoon as Princess Aurora, Jon Hamm as Prince Phillip and Rosie O’Donnell as Maleficent.

The Emperor’s New Groove

Was the world clamoring for a remake of this 2000 sort-of hit that was almost universally praised upon its original release as “fine?” No. Did we owe David Spade a favor? Yes. Starring David Spade.

Pinocchio

Did you and your children love the original animated Pinocchio but find yourselves constantly distracted and angry about Jiminy Cricket not looking enough like a biologically authentic cricket? No? Well, we’re assuming a lot of other people felt that way because we just poured millions into making sure that he looks as anatomically accurate as possible for the remake. Also, if you thought that scene where the boys turn into donkeys was scary in the original, get ready to be absolutely fucking terrified this time around. We’re talking pure Cronenbergian nightmare fuel. Starring Timothée Chalamet at Pinocchio, Al Pacino as Geppetto and that “Soothing Sounds” machine you use to fall asleep sometimes as Jiminy Cricket.

Sleeping Beauty

OK, we heard your complaints about the first one, and we think this new live-action version is really going to make up for all the stuff we got wrong last time around. For instance, instead of keeping the script exactly the same as the original, we’ve updated it to give Princess Aurora more agency. And also one of the good fairies uses an iPhone now. Starring Margot Robbie as Princess Aurora, Ben Affleck as Prince Phillip and still Rosie O’Donnell as Maleficent.

2014 Walt Disney Company Annual Shareholders Meeting

Who could ever forget the blissful magic of Disney’s annual shareholders meeting from five years ago? Fresh off the crazy success of Frozen, it truly was a wild and wonderful experience, and that was only partially because of the open bar. OK, it was mostly because of the open bar. Starring Bob Iger as himself, Idina Menzel as an actress grateful to have been welcomed into the Disney family so wholeheartedly, and Bob Iger’s dog as Pluto.

The Three Caballeros

Alright, so we’re clearly scraping the bottom of the barrel if we’ve made it to The Three Caballeros already, right? To be honest, we don’t even really remember what this one was about and fell asleep about 30 minutes into watching the original, so most of the plot is pretty random guesswork. But we’re still Disney, and this is still a live-action remake, so I’m assuming we’re fine from an economic standpoint. Starring Jonah Hill as the first caballero, Ben Kingsley as the second caballero, Armie Hammer as the third caballero, and nobody else.

1955

Aren’t things just so chaotic and scary these days? Don’t you wish you could go back to a simpler time when everything was perfect and Walt Disney himself was still alive? Well, now you can thanks to Disney’s upcoming remake of the year 1955 in its entirety, minus all the bad stuff! Starring Emma Stone as Mamie Eisenhower and George Clooney as a sense of pure, unadulterated comfort.

Sleeping Beauty

Geez, you people are just fucking relentless. First it wasn’t different enough, then it was too different, both times it was apparently awful, and you know what? Now we just don’t care anymore. So enjoy this remake that we slapped together in four days, mostly while on a cocaine and LSD-fueled bender because why not. Starring our daughter’s friend as Princess Aurora, our son’s friend as Prince Phillip and Danny DeVito as Maleficent.

Song of the South

Unforeseen production troubles have caused this live-action remake to be put on hold indefinitely.

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