Thin ties, high pants, a hat, yes I’m all ready to head into the office!
It’s a different world out there—we had a global pandemic, we’re on the verge of a recession, there’s constant waves of corporate layoffs, and they simply don’t let you drive as drunk as they used to. The world may be different, but there’s some things we got right in the '60s. Things like waking up in the morning, smoking a breakfast cigarette, putting on your hat, going to your office, taking off your hat, smoking a mid-morning cigarette, and spending the day in the office. But most importantly, if you're not supposed to be in the office, where can you pretend to be when having your many many affairs?
Remote work has isolated employees from each other, and studies indicate that many organizations are struggling to foster strong bonds of communication and collaboration in these environments. Back in my day, when there was a problem we could sit down with our coffee, hats, and cigarettes and solve it through a rap session together. Or I would just leave the office entirely, tell no one where I was going, and ruminate on the problem whilst naked next to my mistress.
Leave your family at home—the office provides us with the much-needed boundary to separate your work from your home. Things must be separate. Elouise mustn’t know about what you do in the filthy filthy city.
Once there, spend time with your coworkers or better yet, strangers at the bar you went to instead of the office. You can watch the soft glow of the lights bounce off liquor bottles… Maybe a beautiful woman will sit next to you and ask you to buy her a drink. You can form hard grunting bonds and community with her in the bar bathroom. Let’s see Slack do that!
Millennials and Gen Z don’t understand how valuable a sense of camaraderie is, or how important mistress time is. A good employee needs to be able to collaborate and bounce ideas off the woman he’s cheating on his wife with. How can my mistress, whose hair is different from my wife’s, inspire my next big success if I’m home in front of my computer?
Back in the swingin’ '60s, I’d look forward to seeing my colleagues—so much so that when I’d wake up with martini sweats at 4 AM, I’d just head into work immediately. That’s how strong my bonds were with my co-workers—and also how much I needed to escape the prison that is the suburban American dream. Why does this all feel so different than what was promised to us? I fought in a war.
Anyway! Everyone is so isolated these days, we yearn for connection—a connection that must come from the office, not friends, not family, not neighbors. It must be the office… The office, hats, cigarettes, cocktails, and mistresses.
Face-to-face communication is a lost art. Zoom can’t do what an in-person meeting can—sure it can connect you to people all over the country but you know what else can? A business trip.
A business trip is the perfect cover for your beautiful wife and perfect children. Pack a suitcase and drive up the coast, with your mistress who you never ask any personal questions.
Wade knee-deep into the ocean in your three-piece suit, hat, and cigarette; smell the salt air. See how great it is to be out of the house? Out in the world? Away from the home you built with your family? Goddamn, there’s nothing like staring longingly at a horizon.
Something is missing in this life. But what? Either way, best to fill it with more work, offices, and mistresses.