It's been an outstanding year of comedy! For the first time ever (we're shy), we decided to round up our favorite articles from 2023. We're proud of everything we've run this year, but these 16 pieces have stuck with us. Thanks for all the laughs and if you could, leave the light on when you're done reading (we're afraid of the dark).
Here's to 2023 more years of humor!
Ways I Imagined I Might Die When I Was a Kid
by Anthony DeThomas | Jan 5, 2023
“I’m peer pressured into listening to explicit music and soon get placed in a lower reading group at school. I fall in with a bad crowd and get really into skateboarding, which is basically dying.”
Just Because You Have Issues and I'm Murdering You Doesn't Make This “Elevated Horror”
by Pat Cassels | Feb 21, 2023
“Look, I’m sorry you have broader personal or political issues you haven’t resolved, but those have nothing to do with the ways I’ve been killing you guys.”
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Jekyll
by Dan Caprera | Mar 6, 2023
“It was only then that I realized what I had created. My hellish elixir did not separate ‘good' and ‘evil.' No. It had a far more-sinister purpose: It separated ‘Doctor' and ‘Non-Doctor.'”
How to Play Korean Poker
by Jennifer Kim | Mar 13, 2023
“I guess the only semi-important part about the flags is that if you get all of them, you’re committing treason against the Republic of South Korea.”
Aliens Exist… and They’re Freaking Babes
by Matt Corluka | May 10, 2023
“But then I remember the thorax on a Venutian… Atheists say there are no higher powers, but the first time you see a Neptoid’s sponges you’ll realize atheists don’t know shit.”
The Book of Genesis, If God Was Creating a Party
by Youmna Chamieh | May 26, 2023
“God called the DJ ‘My buddy who works in finance,' and the booth He called “open to whoever wants to DJ.” But everyone who wanted to DJ also worked in finance.”
I Consider This Jury My Friends
by Dave Anderson | Jun 1, 2023
“Could you go home to your partners tonight and tell them, ‘Honey, today I looked an innocent man in his eyes and told him I didn’t enjoy his company. I would rather see a man executed than be extroverted!'”
An Excerpt from “Dead Guy Avenue,” My Hardboiled Detective Novel Where the Narrator Can’t Really Remember What Happened
by Lucas Gardner | Jun 14, 2023
“I was just about to leave my office for the night when my assistant told me a young dame was waiting out in the lobby to see me. I want to say the dame’s name was Sally. Or maybe ‘Soupy'? It can’t have been Soupy.”
I'm the Tall Guy Blocking Your View at a Concert, Here's What I Want You to Know
by Leah Chin-Sang | Jul 1, 2023
“You Have the Privilege of Seeing the Back of My Head: I’ve been told that the back of my head is so soft, it’s like those $10 holiday blankets you get at Target.”
I'm 10 Now, Which Means I'm the Biggest Little Bitch on This Playground
by Lily Blumkin | Jul 7, 2023
“I can tie my own shoes and cut my own food and tell time on a clock after I stare at it for a while, just like a REAL adult. So yeah, I think I’ve earned the right to dunk on every single one of you freaks.”
Introducing Men 2, the Gender for Men
by Lillie Franks | Jul 10, 2023
“Do you like cracking open a COLD CAN OF BEER around the BBQ with the boys? Not anymore! That sissy junk is for MEN, not real men, who aren’t men anymore! They’re MEN 2!”
Why I, a 1960s Business Man Having an Affair, Believe Everyone Needs to Return to Office
by Carly Silverman | Jul 11, 2023
“Leave your family at home—the office provides us with the much-needed boundary to separate your work from your home. Things must be separate. Elouise mustn’t know about what you do in the filthy filthy city.”
Stop! Please Read These Very Specific Instructions Before Using Our Toilet!
by J. Taylor Lee | Aug 10, 2023
“All toilet paper must be disposed of via the incinerator. It’s at the neighbor’s place. Just knock and say you’ve got TP to burn. Please be ready to prove that the paper is indeed soiled.”
Google Maps Reviews of the Prickleback Nuclear Testing Facility in Sopps-Daisy, Tennessee
by Augusta Chapman | Aug 16, 2023
“they treat employees HORRIBLE. the breaks are super short and all the staff are sleeping together usually in these pod things in the back. it’s gross, really bad culture and I hate getting pod slime on me.”
The Ultimate Best Toastiest Toast Recipe of ALL Time, Seriously, by à la Katie
by Mark Carlson | Nov 1, 2023
“I know you didn’t come here just because you’re hungry or time-pressed to make a quick snack for your kids who are currently gnawing on each other’s legs. You came here to read a Les Mis-length exposition on a one-step recipe from an expert in rural boho chic.”
I’d Like to Have Kids, but I’m Not Sure It’s Ethical to Bring Children into a World Where Their Dad Would Be Me
by Simon Henriques | Nov 6, 2023
“Kids deserve to grow up happy and healthy, excited about the future, without having to live under the constant threat that their dad is weird and sad and underemployed again.”