Do you ever worry that men these days aren’t MANLY enough? That there are too many men out there who don’t know how to be tough and get things done? That everyone’s ordering a MOCHA-FRAPPA-WHATEVER when a good old CUP OF JOE used to be good enough?

Do you have feelings about QUEER PEOPLE that you haven’t really examined or given any critical thought to? Do you have takes about THE TRANS COMMUNITY that you’ve explained several times aren’t transphobic? Do you secretly feel that even though you’ve done as much as you can to make yourself TOUGH and MASCULINE, there’s still a profound EMPTINESS in your SOUL?

Then we’ve got GREAT NEWS!

Now introducing… MAN 2, the even manlier gender!

That’s right. Man 2! Finally. A gender for men.

Man 2 isn’t your GRANDMOTHER’S GENDER. Or your grandfather’s, strictly speaking. Man 2 is a tough, no-holds-barred gender that WON’T STOP because you got a little boo boo. It’s a MAN’S gender. And for the low, low price of $19.95 a month, it can be YOURS.

Do you like cracking open a COLD CAN OF BEER around the BBQ with the boys? Not anymore! That sissy junk is for MEN, not real men, who aren’t men anymore! They’re MEN 2! Men 2 don’t crack cans open! They EAT them, raw! Also, they don’t drink beer! They drink BEARS! BBQ’s? No way! Men 2 eat BB GUNS! And as for the boys? Who needs them, when you could be hanging out with EVEN MORE BEARS? Now, you’re acting like a real man… a MAN 2!

Greek PHILOSOPHER Protagoras once said, “Man is the measure of all things.” But that’s because he didn’t know about Man 2, the gender that’s TWICE AS MANLY as being a man! In fact, when you become a Man 2, you get a SECOND BIRTH CERTIFICATE, because you’re LEGALLY TWO PEOPLE! That’s how much more manly Man 2 is than manliness!

You heard it right here! Men 2 have FOUR ARMS, four legs, and two of everything else! Is that an UNREASONABLE BODY STANDARD! Tough! Men 2 don’t care! They’re too busy living two ENTIRELY SEPARATE LIVES, both of which are extremely manly! Worried you won’t be able to work two separate MANLY JOBS while also being a good Father 2 and Husband 2 in two separate families? That’s okay; as long as you pay your $19.95 monthly, we’ll PRETEND NOT TO NOTICE.

You think women want TOUGH MEN? Wrong! Women want MEN 2 who are also simultaneously in a different physical location with a different woman!

You might be asking yourself if Man 2 is more of a PURELY SOCIAL CATEGORY or a BIOLOGICAL GROUPING THAT’S BEEN ASSIGNED SOCIAL SIGNIFICANCE. If you are, then get a load of you! You sound like a huge PANSY! You probably only live ONE LIFE, inside your SINGULAR BODY, neither of which are especially manly! Real men don’t think about that kind of thing! Real men pay $19.95 every month so they can become Men 2!

Are you of two minds about becoming a MAN 2? Good! That’s exactly how many minds you should have!

Thanks to Man 2, men are now completely OBSOLETE! To Men 2, being a man is basically just being a WOMAN WITH EXTRA STEPS! All the real men are Men 2! Men 2 are important to the next generation! Every child deserves to have a mother and EXACTLY ONE HALF of a Father 2! If you’re a man with a loving family, why aren’t you caring for your SECOND LOVING FAMILY? I bet it’s because you’re a huge weakling!

So say goodbye to men, and say hello to Men 2, the new, SUPERIOR GENDER that’s twice as good as MEN! Subscribe now and also get a free trial of our latest bonus gender: Woman 2. Woman 2: it’s like being a MAN, but for WOMEN! Also, it costs $19.95 per month!

Men 2: The GENDER That’s Just for MEN.