Clear the slide sickos, the queen is here. That’s right, I turned double digits yesterday so now, I’m the biggest little bitch on this playground.
I’m way more grown-up than the rest of you losers. I can tie my own shoes and cut my own food and tell time on a clock after I stare at it for a while, just like a REAL adult. So yeah, I think I’ve earned the right to dunk on every single one of you freaks.
Looking around, all I see are duds. In the sandbox, I see toddlers who don’t even know how to use their own feet. Humiliating. By the swings, I see kids who think screaming is their whole personality. Original. And sitting behind them are the nannies who always look so exhausted. Come on. Why would you go to a PLAYground if you’re not gonna PLAY?
Every single one of you is pathetic as shit.
But not me. I’m the oldest kid around, and that makes me special. I can speak in full sentences and spell my own name and I won’t put wood chips in my mouth. I guess that means I’m just more mature than everybody else. That’s probably why I got VIP of the week this week in Mrs. Albertson’s fifth-grade class. She said it’s ‘cuz my behavior improved. I haven’t called anyone in my class an idiot in a month. To be fair, most of them have been working on getting smarter, but still, that’s a big deal for me. But guess what, we’re not in Mrs. Albertson’s fifth-grade class anymore. We’re on the playground, which means I can call whoever the heck I want an idiot, idiot.
You know what else I can do that’s better than the rest of you sad little bean sacks? I can read full chapter books without any pictures. Yeah. I can spend one whole hour reading before I get bored and want to watch iPad. Apparently, that’s a lot longer than the average kid. Flex.
And what’s even more impressive is that I actually like reading ‘cuz you learn about the rest of the world. Like last week, we read A Wrinkle in Time, and I learned that I’m a waaayyy faster reader than Emily S. in my class. That was really interesting to me ‘cuz I thought she was smart, but I guess she’s an idiot like everyone else.
Again, I can say that ‘cuz we’re on the playground, and here, I can be the biggest little bitch I truly am.
Watch me leap on these monkey bars, fool. I’ve never worked out a day in my life but I have the upper body strength of an Olympic gymnast. Where’d this strength come from? Simple, I was born with it and I’ll never grow out of it. My doctor says I’m hyper-mobile, so gym class is a lot easier for me than the rest of my lazy ass peers. I can even do flips around these monkey bars and not even break a sweat.
Watch. Look at me. Look at me. I’m doing it. Didn’t that look easy? It was. Half the kids here can’t even reach the monkey bars ‘cuz they’re so short and little. That is so sad for them. God! It’s so embarrassing to be at this playground and be anyone else but me.
So why don’t you all just do me a favor and get the heck out of my way while I dominate this swing set. I won’t have time for this childish play next year when I’m for real grown up and in middle school. I probably won’t even have time to look at you simpletons since I’ll be so busy doing older girl stuff, like staying home unsupervised and learning Algebra II. But don’t worry, you guys will grow up and be cool someday too, just not for a really really really long time and not anywhere near the level I’m operating at. But best of luck to you, flops!