Hi boy!

It’s your best pal, Lassie! Just circling back to say that I hope this email finds you at the bottom of a well! Lassie needs you to do this for her, man. It’s all she’s got.

You see, Benji, your fun and noble pooch Lassie has grown accustomed to the amount of treats given to a dog with her natural degree of heroism. In fact, as I type this, my paws are covered with biscuit crumbs from all the times I’ve been a good girl and risked life and limb to drag people out of wells.

I gotta have more treats, Benji. I’m fiendin’ for it. You getting a paper cut will not be enough. Turns out a dog leaping at a small child with a minor wound is not looked upon fondly by the community, no matter if that dog has a storied history of heroism!

Also Benji, you gotta remember that with a child falling down a well comes publicity, and TV cameras, and late night show appearance fees for ol’ Lassie. Lassie’s been recently getting into sports betting, and may or may not be in deep to some guys who fronted Lassie a lot of money based on her status as a dog who was constantly saving children from wells. That’ll teach me to bet on the Puppy Bowl!

If I can’t get my paws on the 2,000 bucks I get for jumping through a very easy obstacle course on The Tonight Show, those guys are gonna do some non TV-G rated things to Lassie’s paws.

So, here’s where we are, Benji: I’m gonna need you to get your ass down that well. And stay down there, at least until I come find you. At this point, every other child in town has fallen down the well. They really seem to flock to it, like moths to a well. You’re the only child who has had the good sense never to slip and fall near a water feature that hasn’t moved in 50 years. Timmy’s fallen down the well a dozen times. No one cares anymore. The most I get for saving that little pissant is a scratch on the belly and a 30 dollar per diem from the local news crew.

Ideally, Benji, you will have fallen into the well at the center of town of your own accord. If that doesn’t feel like something you’d want to do, or you’re not feeling tremendously clumsy and inept like Timmy, maybe we can come to an arrangement. You shake my paw, I shake yours. I’ll let you rub my belly. I’ll let you buy me an embarrassing dog bandana. I’ll let you have your pick of the litter.

Failing that, Lassie would like to remind you that Rough Collies can move a weight of up to 70 pounds. I know you might be worried that this plan is dangerous, but I assure you, I’m very good at saving small children from wells, whether they’ve fallen in due to happenstance, nefarious means, or because a dog with an ever-growing craving for treats pushed them in.

So, do it for your ol’ pooch Lassie. She needs this.

Besides, falling down a well is fun! It’s basically a water slide that comes to a very sudden stop. A well is just a place where a child with a thirst for adventure can store all their hopes and dreams. A cold, damp, terrifying place. Every time I’ve been down a well, I’ve thought to myself, “I bet I’d love to spend between two and three hours down here.” That might seem like a long time, but I can’t save you right away. That’d be silly, champ! You need to give a crowd time to develop, for a parent to fear that their child will be lost to them forever! The action is the juice, kid.

So, this was just a quick email to say that I hope you’re doing OK, for now! I only want the best for you, Benji! Of course I do, I’m Lassie! And if what’s best for you happens to be picking up minor injuries sustained from a quick trip down a well from where a heroic dog can save you at a time that’s convenient to her, then wouldn’t that be great for us both? Let me know either way, but this time next week, Lassie’s gonna be short two non-opposable thumbs on her paws and you don’t want that on your conscience. Please don’t make me reveal that every Lassie has a little Cujo in them.

Best, and Bark!
Lassie