Holy cow! A second ago, I was having a regular day: drifting with the current, snacking on worms, and letting water wash over my gills to diffuse oxygen into my bloodstream like normal, when suddenly out of nowhere—BOOM!—a net thingy lifts me out of my world and into this strange new one.

And when I say strange, I mean really strange.

First of all, there is a waterless sky above. Totally weird. Second, there are giant monsters with arms and legs and mortgages staring at me and speaking a language I don't understand. Awkward. But I think the biggest difference I've noticed so far is the agonizing asphyxia.

I mean, talk about culture shock!

Worse yet, no matter how hard I try to play it cool and hide the fact that I'm not from around here, I keep giving myself away. For instance, while the monster dudes in the boat are chatting and drinking domestic beer, which I gather is a totally normal thing to do in these parts, here I am like a total awkward doofus asking for a gin martini and convulsing myself uncontrollably against the gunwale of their aluminum canoe.

What an embarrassing social faux pas!

But I should calm down. It's not like nobody has ever navigated a strange land before. Gulliver in his travels, Alice in Wonderland, and that city doctor from Northern Exposure whose name I forget but who has to practice in a remote Alaskan town to fulfill his student loan obligations – they all figured out how to adapt and embrace new ways of life instead of fearing the unfamiliar.

And so while this insane, seizure-like frenzy I've been experiencing for going on two minutes now has turned me into a total gaffe-factory, now that my body is slipping into paralysis and a weird calmness is descending upon me, maybe I'll start learning the ropes in a heartwarming and/or hilarious way that will allow me to see beyond my own narrow experiences and appreciate different, unoxygenated perspectives.

Dr. Joel Fleischman!! That's his name, from Northern Exposure.

Haha, that little nugget of knowledge must have been unlocked when I hit my head while my body gave a final, resigned quiver. I guess one thing this adventure is teaching me about myself is that I'm more resourceful than anyone bargained for when it comes to remembering Joel Fleischman's name!

Now where was I? Oh right, I'm about to die.

It'd be nice to overcome this little challenge using some unique knowledge I've acquired from my time here. But… where am I again? And who am I? I'm Joel Fleischman, right? Uh oh. Things are getting pretty fuzzy, and the light that's calling to me is getting very big. So unless something truly implausible happens in the next few seconds, I'm talking major deus ex machin–

Oh my God, the monsters! They're plucking me from certain death and plopping me into an onboard water tank. My parents said you disgusting land monsters were not to be trusted, and shame on me for believing them. Because now here we are, fish and monsters, motoring together in peace toward the shore.

I finally get it! Life isn't about “fish vs. monsters,” or “being able to breathe vs. dying almost immediately.” It's about forging new bonds in whatever world you find yourself. Case in point: my new monster friends are lifting me aloft and announcing that, not only am I a “beautiful catch,” but also that they'll be “having me for dinner.” Oh how I've misjudged this fascinating new world—can't wait to dig in with my new friends!