Our craft roastery debuted a number of exciting specialty coffees this fall. Each of these offerings has a flavor profile that's bold, complex, and 100% not pulled out of thin air after I procrastinated for three months and was forced to cram a week's worth of work into a bachelor party weekend that just happened to fall before a hard-and-fast Monday deadline.

One of our new blends, Arm Candy, is a combination of two outstanding roasts from Ethiopia and Brazil. Together, these varieties produce a syrupy brew that features swirling notes of orange, cherry, and pink strawberry.

Any mélange of coffees from these two countries is going to be heavy in the cup and have a fruit-forward character. I definitely didn't come up with the flavor profile for this roast after I bought Starburst at a Hudson News in the SeaTac Airport and ate the entire bag, except the yellows, while I waited for my flight.

Another fresh arrival, Stimulus Package, highlights the unique flavor characteristics of two Peruvian coffees. This blend contrasts the high-toned acidity of Apple Grape GoGo squeeZ Fruit on the Go with the chocolaty sweetness of a home-brewed American-style brown porter that's been fermenting for a week in your college roommate's basement.

I'd never leave my tasting samples for our new specialty coffees on my dining room table, so it'd be absurd to assume I created a flavor profile for this offering out of whole cloth. I certainly didn't draw inspiration from my friend Dapper Stan, who, after picking me up from the airport, told me he had a secret weapon for the weekend that was going to get us all “2010-style turnt,” and Dapper Stan's kid, who spent the car ride home inhaling pureed fruit from a squeezable pouch and mainlining episodes of Bluey on an iPad with sticky fingerprints.

A new offering from Indonesia, meanwhile, promises to be our boldest brew yet. Belt Sander is a broad-shouldered blend whose smoky aromatics intermingle with the earthy bravado of REEF sandals, outdoor tile grout, and the first close-up shot of Charles Bronson's face in Once Upon a Time in the West.

While it may sound like this flavor profile could only have been conceived of during a pre-bachelor party drinking sesh at a Scottsdale Airbnb with a TV on the patio and a subscription to Turner Classic Movies, the simple truth is that any Sumatra worth its salt is going to be a cocksure salvo of sand, swagger, and cementing agents. It's definitely not something I whipped up after my house sitter overnighted me the wrong bag.

In addition to our blends, we also have several new single-origin coffees, including the Muriuki Acute Stress Response Micro Lot. There's nothing delicate about this vibrant roast, which is equal parts orange juice, peach schnapps, and pure terror.

With its dense, juice-bomb complexity and epinephrine finish, the Acute Stress Response is a classic Kenyan coffee. There's no reason to suspect I invented a flavor profile for this offering after passing out on the wrong party bus, being mistaken for a robber lying in wait by the returning participants of an '80s-themed pub crawl, and having to claw my way out of a citizen's arrest performed by three thick-fingered men in white blazers, one of whom spilled a Fuzzy Navel in my face.

As wonderful as these other coffees are, the highlight of our fall selection is the Rafael Barahona Mid-Life Stocktaking Gesha Anaerobic. In this exceedingly rare varietal from the Quindío region of Colombia, sodium bicarbonate and Nicholas Sparks are prominent throughout, and there's a lingering finish of self-reproach.

Any good anaerobic coffee is going to be a little rough on the tongue and tough on the ego. Predictably, this offering tastes like if, after you mouth vacuumed spilled Alka-Seltzer off a paperback you bought at the Hudson News, a toddler across the aisle suddenly stopped mainlining episodes of Bluey to cast you a look of sheer disgust.

If you're for some reason convinced that these tasting notes are far too specific to be derived from anything other than the incredibly granular and terribly depressing details of my own life, let me assure you that I take our roasts too seriously to blend full-bodied facts with the subtle flavors of fiction.

I mean, what do I look like - some hack from the wine industry?