Meditation confuses people. They think it means sitting on a wooden floor in some temple and chanting “ommmm.” Wrong. As a long-time meditation teacher, I’m here to tell you that meditation is infinitely broader than that.

Taking a walk can be meditation if you’re present and grounded. Clear your mind. Enjoy the trees. Cherish the birds. Birdsong is nature’s lovemaking soundtrack. It’s an enchanting meditation.

Did you know that washing dishes can be meditation? Focus on the soapy water, and get lost in the now. Suddenly it’s 1:00 AM. The sink is overflowing; the kitchen is flooded; and your yappy little son-of-a-bitch Pomeranian is losing his mind. But you didn’t even notice because you were having a sublime meditation.

How about tossing around the old pigskin with your kid? That’s 100% meditation if you’re nonjudgmental about your child being a twenty-six year old, Reddit-addicted virgin who doesn’t pay rent.

When you do something consciously, with loving commitment, it’s meditation. Period. And I don’t want any of your damn lip about it, okay?

Remember, meditation is the most radical act a human can take. Yet when I tell people that meditation can be anything, they get angry—especially the monks. “You speak falsely,” they say while hitting me with their wooden swords.

I don’t object to that at all. In fact, I admire it. Fighting monks can be meditative if you practice “noticing them pummel you” while they yell at you to leave their temple. I was just visiting for personal research. I can leave at any time.

Now, take a step back. Then take a step forward. You’re back where you started, aren’t you? I knew it.

Look, what do you need for meditation? Awareness. Breath. A couple of twenties. That’s it. Hell, you don’t even need the breath part. You can meditate without breathing. I do it all the time. You can meditate underwater with a speedo and no air tank. My record is four minutes, and I noticed five turtles. That’s the power of meditation!

Some of my meditation students ask, “So, I’m meditating right now, even though I’m distracted and angry?” No! I said, “anything can be meditation,” not “everything is meditation.” Don’t ask me stupid questions. That’s not meditation.

Here’s how I explain this beautiful word, “can,” to my students: Can a dog speak French? Yes, a dog can absolutely speak French if you train it properly and give it a brain implant.

Now, can speaking French be meditation? No, not really. Speaking French just gives us bedroom eyes and makes us fixate on seducing our hot neighbor, which is also not meditation, though it could be if you were the hot neighbor. That’s what I tell my meditation students, most of whom are easily confused.

Are there any limits to what meditation can be? Goddammit, I said no! Meditation can be whatever you need it to be, and that’s a fact, Jack.

A leisurely dinner can be meditation if the food is good and no one mentions your divorce.

A no-holds-barred octagon fight can be meditation if you punch the other guy’s face with clarity and love.

Downloading the latest internet pornography can absolutely be meditation because it teaches us what is possible sex-wise.

Remember, meditation can be love, or meditation can be war. Or, meditation can be something even more deadly than both: the friend zone. That’s up to you.

With the right attitude, meditation can change your life, and with the wrong attitude, you’re pretty much screwed, and you need my meditation course, which is only $500 if you register by Thursday. If you wait until Friday, the price goes up, which is why it’s better to meditate as soon as possible, before it’s too late.