Every Situation Where I Would Literally Say, “That’s the Way the Cookie Crumbles”
I pull an Oreo out of my pocket, smash it with both hands, and shout a zinger that leads to a standing ovation.
Comedy Writing
Meditation Can Be Anything
Did you know that washing dishes can be meditation? Focus on the soapy water, and get lost in the now. Suddenly it’s 1:00 AM.
The Enemy of My Enemy
The enemy of my massage therapist, Janet, is her husband, Ricky. That’s no coincidence. They married young when they were so naïve.
Every Situation in Which I Would Literally Say, “You Snooze, You Lose”
I’m a notorious 1850s Vaudeville impresario known as “The Dean of Mean.” My top rule for performers is “don’t be a snooze.”
Think You Got What It Takes to Join Our Gang, the Crabapple Boys?!
WHAT WE’RE LOOKIN’ FOR… YOU: - Enjoy tippin’ over hot dog carts for craps n’ giggles - Like puttin’ pennies on train tracks and watching ‘em smoosh
I Am Henry Heimlich’s Arch-Rival, and I Also Invented a Very Cool Maneuver
I’m 89 years old and I’ve literally never seen Heimlich's Maneuver happen, and I’ve eaten at hundreds of sloppy lobster restaurants.