You can see from my social media that something is happening to me. Or it could be someone else. In any case, it’s a big deal. Or it’s insignificant. But there’s definitely good news. Or a catastrophe. You’ll only find out by asking what I meant.

That’s when I have you, caught in my thirst trap. You can try deciphering my ambiguous responses in the comments section, but you’ll never learn what the actual fuck is going on with me.

Try these cryptic posts to get the dopamine hit of attention you’re craving!

“Everything must come to an end.”

Did I just tell you I’m dying, or that I finished The Legend of Zelda? You’ll check my feed to see how other people are reacting, but everyone is being vague, because they don’t know either.

“Ten years and counting!”

What happened ten years ago? Did I get married? Divorced? Sober? Jailed? If you ask, I’ll reply, “Time goes so fast!” or “I can’t believe it’s been that long!” or anything else that tells you little more than my original post, which told you practically nothing.

“Thanks for supporting me during this time.”

A masterpiece of passive-aggressive insinuation. People will wonder why you needed support, and feel guilty that they hadn’t already been giving it to you, and be insecure about your relationship because you asked others for support, but not them.

“Sometimes life takes your breath away.”

No one ever discovered what took my breath away, but they did waste a small portion of their lives wondering what it was.

“Planning where you want to go won’t take you there.”

Confound your friends and family by posting inspirational messages that make no sense. Despite lacking discernible logic, your posts will get plenty of “likes” from people who don’t want to seem like they’re too dumb to understand them.

“The joker has nothing on the fool.”

Am I the joker? Are you the fool? The answer is yes, no, maybe, and sometimes. Anything more you’d like to know? Please ask, so I can avoid telling you.

“Big news!”

Some contacts will congratulate you, even though they don’t know why you deserve it. Others will ask what’s going on, because they sincerely want to celebrate your announcement. These are your truest friends, who’ll stick with you despite never learning what the big news was.

“Death so real beyond the void.”

Is it a cry for help, or Soundgarden lyrics? The only thing you know for sure is my cryptic posts about death will make you want to kill me.

“In the hospital again.”

This will get you a fuck-ton of engagement. Most people will be too respectful of your privacy to ask why you’re in the hospital, but if anyone presses you for details, tell them to respect your privacy. They were already embarrassed for not knowing why you were in the hospital, and now they’re humiliated for caring enough to ask.

“I love you all. Bye!”

Sure to distress everyone who won’t know if you’re sending them a happy little message, or a suicide note. Add a pirate flag and some peace emojis to really fuck with the people who care about you.