Let’s face it, new parents: there is a reason the phrase “sleeping like a baby” refers to someone who has slept through the night peacefully and without disruption. Everyone knows this is the norm for children under one year of age—or at least the ones whose parents aren’t complete failures.

There are, of course, some specific phases when a baby may experience difficulty sleeping for developmentally appropriate reasons. These rare exceptions are as follows:

The First 60 Days: Obviously the kid just got here so these are bound to be a crapshoot.

The 2-Month Regression: Your baby is developing so fast! Too fast, actually. Who does your baby think they are? That kind of audacity is going to mess with their sleep cycle.

The 12-Week Worsening: Your baby has now survived one entire fiscal quarter, which is cause for celebration. However, at the 90-day mark they also just had their first experience with needing to change the password on one of their accounts and now they can’t remember the new password. The resulting frustration does a number on sleep patterns.

The 14-Week Backslide: Good news: falling asleep isn’t impacted by this one, as it only prevents babies from staying asleep and/or falling back to sleep if they wake in the night. So it’s only bad from, like, 7:00 P.M. to 6:00 A.M. Easy peasy.

The 4-Month Relapse: This is when the child stops sleeping like a newborn and starts sleeping more like an adult, meaning they wake up riddled with anxiety about how tired they’re going to be the next day since they aren’t sleeping.

This one doesn’t impact all babies; just those who are left-handed. It also impacts those who are right-handed.

The Months-7-Through-9 Sleep Ambush: This is the time when moms who committed the cardinal sin of eating soft cheese, sushi, and/or cold cuts while pregnant are punished for their transgressions. Did you think your baby didn’t notice that spicy tuna roll you ordered and told the cashier was for your spouse even though they didn’t ask? Lose one night of sleep for each lapse in judgment. (1 lapse = 2 slices of meat, 1 ounce of cheese, or 1 maki roll)

The 10-Month Implosion: This is usually when a baby finishes watching the final season of Game of Thrones and can’t believe the showrunners squandered all that potential. This probably seems like a dated pop culture reference because most parents are well-adjusted adults who know it was just a TV show and have moved on with their lives, but babies and I are still losing sleep over it.

The 11-Month Blunder: This one is typically brought on by your child’s realization that you did not get them into your first choice of daycares, a sure sign that they are destined to be a failure. Perhaps if you had applied to The Carnegie Center earlier they might have gotten in. Then they would be sound asleep, their brains growing in preparation for their bright future as a bilingual doctor who moonlights as Secretary-General of the United Nations. But instead they’re at some average daycare and have already fallen in with the wrong crowd. They’re wide awake wishing they were back vaping under the slide with their friends again.

Each of the above can last anywhere from 2 weeks to 11 months. Outside of these small windows your baby should be sleeping regularly and you should be enjoying every single moment of parenthood. If that’s not the case then my online course, “Babies Are Easy – The Problem is You,” will give you the skills to help your child sleep, or at least make you feel like you’re trying something.

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