Berwyn, Pa.

Sports Riot, McSweeney's, Fence, The Hard Times, Electric Literature, The Iowa Review, Guernica, Slackjaw, Little Old Lady Comedy, The Offing, The Funny Times. Van certified.

Comedy Writing

Jokes

In my dreams I’m on Jeopardy! and they’re asking questions only about my family. The host says, “Aunt Mimi,” and I buzz in. “Who is Rob’s wife?” “Correct.” “Aunts for a thousand.”

— Jeff Bender,

I asked a restaurant host if he validated. “Yes,” he said. “You are kind and deserving of respect.”

— Jeff Bender,

Sometimes I type my computer password incorrectly and hit Enter and my computer rejects it. But then sometimes I hit Enter again as if to say, “Please?”

— Jeff Bender,

—First name?
—Jeff.
—Surname?
—Sir Jeff.

— Jeff Bender,

People say they “summer” or even “winter” places, but never “fall.” “I fall in Delaware.” I think that means you live there.

— Jeff Bender,

I went to Davidson College. I was… I always forget the difference between Magna Cum Laude and Summa Cum Laude. Anyway, I was neither.

— Jeff Bender,

People say I look the same as I did in high school. I was ugly in high school.

— Jeff Bender,

I started writing notes to self, but I gave up because I never wrote back.

— Jeff Bender,

Jesus spoke to me at church last night. “You wore that yesterday,” he said.

— Jeff Bender,

I come from a very pretentious family. Our pet owl said “whom, whom.”

— Jeff Bender,

This, ultimately, is the message of the holiday card: “These are the best moments of our year—and they’re not even that good.”

— Jeff Bender,

I guess after eighteen years, I’m willing to consider accounting my “calling.”

— Jeff Bender,

It’s kind of amazing how many words you can get out of the letters W, H, and O. Think about it: There’s “who,” of course. There’s “how.” Ah, maybe it’s just two.

— Jeff Bender,

Sometimes people qualify time as “good”: “How long’s it take to get there?” “A good half hour.” What’s a bad half hour? Is that when you have to listen to jazz fusion?

— Jeff Bender,

I like eating at a diner. I like when the place is named after me.

— Jeff Bender,

The artist bio can go south really fast: painter, photographer, calligrapher, dentist.

— Jeff Bender,

My kids are of the age now where their magic tricks are all in three parts, and the middle part is always “Look away.”

— Jeff Bender,

Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”

— Jeff Bender,

I hear a lot of interesting kids names at the playground: Emory, Wellesley, Cornell. These parents really seem focused on college admissions. My wife and I weren’t so ambitious. When our son came out, we looked at each other and said, “Ball State.”

— Jeff Bender,

I have this friend I call “the priest” because he wears all black and carries a rosary. Once he even enrolled at a seminary and took a vow of chastity, and now he says Mass every day and lives at a rectory. He’s a priest.

— Jeff Bender,
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