St. Louis Cardinals: You can't climax unless it's a 1-0 pitchers' duel.
Sports Riot, McSweeney's, Fence, Electric Literature, The Iowa Review, Guernica, Slackjaw, Little Old Lady Comedy, The Offing, The Funny Times. Van certified.
Good News: He has a graduate degree. Bad News: It's an MFA.
- by Jeff Bender
- August 26, 2021
I read Act I of your screenplay "The Library" while sighing and pretending to process your order.
- by Jeff Bender
- May 30, 2020
This, ultimately, is the message of the holiday card: “These are the best moments of our year—and they’re not even that good.”
I guess after eighteen years, I’m willing to consider accounting my “calling.”
It’s kind of amazing how many words you can get out of the letters W, H, and O. Think about it: There’s “who,” of course. There’s “how.” Ah, maybe it’s just two.
Sometimes people qualify time as “good”: “How long’s it take to get there?” “A good half hour.” What’s a bad half hour? Is that when you have to listen to jazz fusion?
I like eating at a diner. I like when the place is named after me.
The artist bio can go south really fast: painter, photographer, calligrapher, dentist.
My kids are of the age now where their magic tricks are all in three parts, and the middle part is always “Look away.”
Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”
I hear a lot of interesting kids names at the playground: Emory, Wellesley, Cornell. These parents really seem focused on college admissions. My wife and I weren’t so ambitious. When our son came out, we looked at each other and said, “Ball State.”
I have this friend I call “the priest” because he wears all black and carries a rosary. Once he even enrolled at a seminary and took a vow of chastity, and now he says Mass every day and lives at a rectory. He’s a priest.