Hello! It’s FastFix Appliance Repair, home of the Lightning-Quick Repair Promise©! We’re calling to confirm that your Refrigerator appointment is scheduled for Friday, December 1, between the hours of 1:00 and 3:00 PM. Thank you, and have a Fast Day!

Hello! It’s FastFix again! It appears our scheduling system experienced a little hiccup, and we’re going to extend your appointment window from 1:00 to 4:30 PM. Thank you. And be there.

FastFix here. Hard to articulate… but there’s something about 5:00 that feels more rounded out than 4:30, don’t you think? No need to call back, we’ve already made the change in our system.

Good evening. FastFix calling to inform you that your appointment window for Refrigerator has been extended from 1:00 p.m. to 9:00 PM. Eastern Standard Time. (We were formerly on Pacific Daylight Time, did you even know that?) Should your repairman (or woman!) arrive between 6:00 and 8:00 PM, feel free to serve them dinner. If the repairman is Neil, please include a dairy-free option (unless you want your toilet to break as well!).

FastFix here. Look, we finally decided to start Ted Lasso, and completely lost track of time. Your appointment window is 1:00 p.m. on Friday, December 8 to 4:00 AM on Saturday, December 9. Please provide clean bedding for your technician(s) in the case that he (or she!) needs to go directly to bed after repairing your Refrigerator. If it’s Sheila, Nell, or Toby, please provide a queen bed to accommodate significant others. If it’s Sheila and Toby together, please provide two twin beds pushed together Lucy-and Ricky style. Ron is single and doesn’t mind sleeping on a futon or “whatever you have.”

You-know-who! (FastFix.) Blah, blah, blah, we need to extend your appointment window. It’s now between Friday, December 8, at 1:00 PM and Wednesday, December 27, at 2:00 PM. Please have your whole family inside the house during that window, preferably in matching sweaters. Thanks!

You guessed it: FastFix! We haven’t apologized in the past and aren’t about to begin today. We’re extending your window to: Christmas Day. That’s right. The whole fucking day. We’ll fix your fridge. We’ll drink. We’ll do gifts. See the attached wish list for every member of our staff. We know what you’re thinking: “Isn’t Sheila Jewish?” She celebrates both. And now so do you!

Hey. Sorry about that last message. We forgot to mention that Ron is all set on glassware. One Christmas he asked for glassware and now everybody gives it to him every year. Ditto Evan and the bourbon. Rita’s just doing library books, so she’ll take a gift card. The appointment is still happening on Christmas. You better fucking be there.

Okay: We had to extend the window again. Now it’s the whole month of December. Long story. The upshot is, be home, be ready, have the gifts wrapped, get Apple Care, make the beds, our whole staff is coming. When they heard about the free room, board, and gifts, they decided to move in. Evan, Neil, Sheila, and Teddy each have four kids. (See the attached “Christmas Supplement.”) Ron, get this, is still single. The promise of a free stay at your home is probably the only thing lifting his spirits this holiday. Don’t. Fucking. Blow it.

Note: Neal (he’s spelling it with an a now, DON’T ASK) hates losing at table tennis. Don’t you dare call it “ping pong.” He’s been diagnosed “suicidal-homicidal,” and we’re pretty sure he carries a weapon to work. Ho, ho, ho!

Note: If you don’t have a ping-pong table, GET ONE. Trust us. (See attached coupon for Kohls ping-pong tables.)

Sorry to call so late. It’s FastFix. Look, ever since her husband died, Sheila drinks on the holidays and insists on driving even though she doesn’t have a car. Let her take yours. She’ll adjust the mirror and steering wheel and then link to your Bluetooth before she gets going, so please disconnect that ahead of time. Sit in the passenger seat and sing “What’s Up?” by 4 Non Blondes on repeat (she lives SO far away) and console her in the parking lot of the Radisson when she remembers that’s where she lives. Odds are you’ll survive the trip, seeing as four out of the last five “Christmas-drivers” are still living and (largely) functional.

Update: Make that three out of five.

Holy shit, it’s your friends at FastFix! We’ve discovered an opening for right now at: Now. We’ve sent one of our agents to repair your Refrigerator, and they’re in your driveway.