New York Yankees: You listen to “Billy Joel’s Greatest Hits” in the limo on the way to the game.

New York Mets: You listen to esoteric Billy Joel on the 7 train.

Tampa Bay Rays: You own a Five Guys.

Miami Marlins: You work at Five Guys.

San Francisco Giants: You made it big in tech.

Colorado Rockies: You made it big in weed.

Cincinnati Reds: You made it big in propane.

St. Louis Cardinals: You can’t climax unless it’s a 1–0 pitchers’ duel.

Seattle Mariners: You wear a Yankees cap to the game.

San Diego Padres: You got lost in the Omni Hotel.

Philadelphia Phillies: You know a guy.

Milwaukee Brewers: You are a guy.

Chicago Cubs: You killed a guy.

Chicago White Sox: You bring your priest to the game.

Boston Red Sox: You killed a priest.

Houston Astros: You used to bang the trashcan when it was cool.

Durham Bulls: You used to bang Susan Sarandon when it was cool.

Cleveland Indians: You’ll cede to changing the team name as long as they bring back Chief Wahoo.

Oakland A’s: You have yet to make it out of 1988 because the poster on your ceiling says “BASH BROS” and features Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco sitting on a car.

Pittsburgh Pirates: Everyone’s heard your anecdote about the time you were on an elevator with “Andy Van Slyke,” whoever that is.

Toronto Blue Jays: Everyone’s heard your anecdote about the time you were in the Rage Room with Fred McGriff, whoever that is.

Los Angeles Angels: You only go when they’re playing the Yankees.

Los Angeles Dodgers: You’d hate for the cameras to penetrate your bulletproof disguise of a ballcap– but– oh, no!– they’ve done it! You’re on the Jumbotron! Take a bow, Ashton Kutcher.

Atlanta Braves: Your life’s crusade is getting the Hall of Fame to recognize Dale Murphy, whoever that is.

Minnesota Twins: You live in St. Paul, actually.

Detroit Tigers: Same.

Washington Nationals: You won a raffle at your son’s barbershop.

Baltimore Orioles: Wow. You’re a real, actual baseball fan.

Kansas City Royals: You miss the '80s.

Texas Rangers: You’re in your 80s.

Arizona Diamondbacks: You’re new in town.