Is your dog down in the dumps? Do they seem disinterested in the things that used to make them happy, like smelling a stranger’s crotch or jumping on children? Are they sleeping most of the day away? Do you miss the dog you had when they were a puppy? The one that chewed up everything in the house and forgot their name when it was yelled in public?

You can finally have that version of your dog back.

Meet Hims for Dogs.

Hims? For dogs? Yes. And it’s exactly what it sounds like: the first-ever erectile dysfunction medication for dogs.

No one asked for this, but they never said we couldn’t do it either. It just seemed like something the world needed, like the electric chair or the ShamWow.

Someone was bound to do it. We wanted to be first. And this is exactly where we should be. Making everyone hornier and happier. That’s what we do at Hims. It makes us a little hornier and happier too.

What’s in Hims for Dogs? A seductive combination of blood thinners, peanut butter, whale blood (that’s an aphrodisiac for dogs), and just enough caffeine to really get them going. This formula is pseudo-science-backed, proprietary, and safe for humans. Break off a little for yourself. You know you want to. If it gives dogs erections, it’ll do something to you.

What’s going to happen to your dog on Hims? Good question. In as little as the time it takes to swallow Hims, your pup will become the confident, fun-loving dog they were always meant to be. They’ll growl a little louder. Pull their leash a little harder. Bite a lot deeper. And eat cats and smaller dogs.

Your dog is essentially going to become feral. Bonus, they’re going to be really horny almost all the time.

You’ll need to isolate your dog while they’re taking Hims. This seems counterintuitive to what the medicine is designed for, but we wanted Hims for Dogs to be more about confidence and letting your dog know they can achieve an erection rather than have them do anything with it. You don’t want them around other animals while Hims is in their bloodstream.

You should avoid eye contact with your dog while they’re on Hims. You’ll understand why after they take the pill. If they get real nasty, you can calm them down with one or our Bad Dog suppositories.

The Hims smell coming from your dog while they’re undergoing treatment is a result of how dogs’ anal glands store Hims. You’ll get used to it in a couple of weeks.

In the meantime you’ll need to start expressing their gland with your finger. Remove any Bad Dog suppositories before attempting to free the gland. Try not to talk to your dog while you’re relieving them of residual Hims. They’re not going to know what to make of what’s happening and you don’t want them to associate your voice with the sensation.

Oh! We can also make your dog hairier. Did you know that? Do you want that? It’s something we figured out for some reason. It’s easy. With five daily injections of our compound formula, your dog can have a coat that’s up to 4x longer or thicker. It’s always one or the other but never both. Either would make your dog pretty happy.

Important Safety Information:

Do not abruptly stop your dog’s Hims dosage. Doing so could result in a perma-erection for your dog. If your dog exhibits signs of a perma-erection, you should immediately apply ice to your dog’s nose. This will distract them from their perma-erection.

Remove any pictures of you or your loved ones from your home while your dog is on Hims. You don’t want them to get any ideas.

Don’t mix Hims with heartworm medication. Hims will counteract the deworming and might actually lead to stronger, hornier worms.

Hims for Dogs. Make this your dog’s horniest and happiest year.