Hey, you in charge here? Understand we have a situation. A building collapse, right? Well, don’t you worry, I’m the man who shouts “somebody get help.” It’s going to be okay.

Multi-casualty incident with a partially collapsed building. We’ve got this guy, he’s unconscious. Over there, she looks bad, that’s a lot of blood. And I am not happy about the structural integrity of the building. Do we know if anyone’s still in—hey, don’t rush me. I’m not going to just shout “somebody get help” without a full assessment of the scene. We have to know what we’re dealing with.

All right, Officer. Can you move everyone back, please? A crowd like that can absorb volume. Just suck it away. Happened to me once on one of my earliest jobs. A zoo. A real dense crowd so no one could hear me.

That llama lost an eye.

Okay, so here’s the play. I’m going to rush in and kneel next to unconscious guy. One knee, all one movement. I’ll shout “somebody get help.” No, let’s make that “hey, somebody get help.” I’m going to add the “hey” because I’m worried about this guy. I’m not sure how long he’s been out.

She’s losing blood fast. She could be in real trouble. So, I want to kneel down there, right next to her. Get someone to move her bag. Then I’ll shout, “somebody get help” and—you know what? You’re right, Officer, that’s not going to be enough. That’s some good instincts. No, after I’ve shouted “somebody get help,” I’m going to stare at her for a while and look sad. Then I’ll stand up real quick, I’ll look around and then shout, “I said, can we get some help over here?” Then what I’m going to do is stare into the middle distance just a little bit after that second shout.

Officer. You have to be Johnny-on-the-spot here. I’m going to be standing up fast. Real fast. That sometimes makes me a little faint. So I need you to be ready to steady me, okay? Don’t be scared. You’ll do fine. You’re just steadying me a little, is all.

Then we got to deal with the building. It’s in bad shape. My worry is that it completely collapses before I get a chance to shout anything. What I’m going to do is rush up to it. It’ll look like I’m going to go inside, but then I’ll take a couple of steps back and I’m going to look stricken, you know? Like I’ve seen something real bad. Then, over my shoulder, “somebody get help.”

But, immediately after I’ve shouted, I’ll turn around and shout again, “We need some help over here.” And then, what I’m going to do is shout “please,” but in a really stern voice. It’ll sound like I’m almost angry. That way people know how serious this is. This is complicated, and it’s going to be tough, but—

Hey, Officer, don’t look so worried. I’m the best there is. You know, I advised Al Pacino on how to shout “somebody get help” in Heat. Before me, he was playing it tearful, you know? Sobbing, “Oh, please, please somebody get help.” I told him: “Al, I’ve got respect for you as an actor. Sea of Love is a hell of a performance.” It’s all ego with these Hollywood types. “But, Al, you’re playing this like a nervous horse. You can’t be crying. You’re forceful. You’re in charge. You are the one who is going to GET help.” He used that, and that’s why people call it the best moment of shouting “somebody get help” in the history of—

Hey, you! What the hell are you doing? You are not helping anyone, buddy. Has anyone shouted for help? No, they have not. Medical response, my ass. I don’t give a damn if you’re Doctor Phil or Doctor House or Doctor Who. This is my scene, and until I shout “somebody get help,” you are not required. This is a hell of a difficult situation here, people could die and the last thing I need is some dumbass doctors getting in my way. Get the hell outta here.

Okay, Officer, you ready? You good? Listen to me, I’ve shouted “somebody get help” thousands of times. We’re going to be fine here. Let’s do this.