You’re trying to stream something now, but your husband streamed something 42 minutes ago. And that’s a little too close for comfort.

You’re on the same device and WiFi that you were last time, but we’re still not sure that it’s really you, so please wait 1-4 business days for a letter to come in the mail and then let us know the verification code inside.

We noticed in your period tracking app that you’ve missed two months in a row, so we assume that you’re pregnant. And your unborn child is essentially also watching Ozark with you, which exceeds the maximum amount of household members for your subscription.

Our feelings are hurt because you haven’t been playing any of our awesome Netflix Original Mobile Games.

Your parents aren’t divorced YET, but let’s be honest, it’s going that direction. So you’re going to need each of them to make an account, then battle for custody on which kids share which login.

We noticed you’ve been sharing your password (with yourself, via your notes app). This is unacceptable and violates our Terms of Use.

Liam, the guy who runs our server bank in Silicon Valley, didn’t get his coffee this morning.

You keep streaming the first season of Stranger Things and it’s making us nervous that you’re going to discover a plot hole that never got explained in the later seasons.

Liam just got his coffee, but it was made with almond milk and he’s strictly real dairy only. He calls it being an “opposite vegan,” and we think it’s kind of weird too, but he runs the hell out of those servers. Except for right now, because of the almond milk thing.

Your account says that your name is Samantha, but my sister’s name is Samantha. What?

There’s no way that only one person is using this account because it was used to watch Joe Rogan’s standup special Canceled and The Ultimatum: Queer Love in the same day.

Your son was active on Netflix Kids for literally 24 hours and even we are concerned about that amount of screen time.

Your account payment is billed to a zip code in the South, but you gave us microphone access for some reason (no take-backs!) and we can hear that you don’t have a drawl.

Seriously. You play the New York Times crossword every day but you’re too good to play our mobile exclusive Netflix-themed crossword puzzle game?

We took literally every good movie off of the platform yesterday and forgot to replace them, so we’re scrambling right now. Tomorrow, get ready for the newest Netflix Original documentary, In the Search Of That Good Milk: Liam’s Story.

We just don’t like your vibe.