This conversation with an acquaintance at a party has reached an awkward silence. It’s fine. Totally fine. I don’t feel the need to fill it. Maybe this silence isn’t even awkward. What if only I think it’s awkward, and it’s a normal pause? They are probably just taking a breather or reflecting on something I said. Or judging my outfit. Too fancy? Not fancy enough? Too yellow?

No one has said anything for a full two minutes. Who spoke last? Me or them? Did they ask me a question? Should I nod even though I have no idea what they asked? But if I nod, I may agree to something I strongly disagree with. Like that the world is flat or that black licorice is delicious.

Actually, silence is great. Silence is golden. Why do we as a society feel the need to fill silence with noise, conversation, and other stimuli in order to repress our own contemplations? Contemplations such as: How long will this silence keep going?

It’s been at least five minutes of silence. I don’t mind it, but I should really say something. Should I, though? Is it weird to say something now, considering it’s been so long? I bet they want to borrow money from me. It would explain the awkward silence. It’s really hard to ask for a loan. Should I just offer them the loan by saying: YOU CAN HAVE MY MONEY.

Maybe they are planning to rob a bank instead? Are they gearing up to ask me to be their getaway driver? What if the getaway car is a stick shift? I can’t drive stick. I might have enough time to learn if the bank robbery isn’t until next month. What am I doing next month? I could help rob a bank any weekend except the 23rd. Are they trying to find the right words to ask me if I know how to drive stick? Should I break the silence with: I CAN’T DRIVE STICK, BUT I’M WILLING TO LEARN.

Or should I lie and say I don’t have a driver’s license? Maybe I’ll casually mention that I tend to drive below the speed limit. Not that I need to say anything at all. This ongoing silence is totally fine.

It’s been like ten minutes, though. Am I sweating? I must’ve forgotten to put deodorant all over my body. Are they staring at my sweat-induced sheen? Should I say something, like: DON’T WORRY ABOUT MY SHEEN, IT’S NORMAL.

Is the sustained eye contact normal? Is this how people have conversations? Should I blink to appear natural? Oh God, have I forgotten how to blink? Do I blink with both eyes at the same time? Or do I alternate? Perhaps I can soft-launch a blink with one eye.

Ok, here it goes: BLINK. They look confused. Did I do it wrong? Oh no, do they think I winked at them? That I’m trying to seduce them? That it’s a conspiratorial wink agreeing to drive the getaway car even though it’s a stick shift??

Is it still considered a conversation when the silence has been longer than the conversing part? My eyes are so dry. Have they always been this dry? Can they tell my eyes feel like the Sahara desert? Was The Mummy filmed in the Sahara? I wonder if Encino Man holds up. What’s Pauly Shore doing now? Should I ask them? What’s a natural conversation segue to Pauly Shore?

It’s definitely been at least fifteen minutes. Should I pretend to feel faint and pass out? And then they’ll have to break the awkward silence by calling 911? The EMTs will take me out on a stretcher, and before they roll me into the ambulance, I’ll jump up and run away, scream-splaining: I AM FINE! THERE WAS AN AWKWARD SILENCE! I NEED TO LEARN TO DRIVE STICK!

Yes, that sounds right. First, I’ll take a quick glance at my watch. Here I go. One, two, three.

It’s only been 15 seconds.