1. Use a good detoxifying shampoo. Curls need to be refreshed. But don’t use it too much because curls can easily dry up and frizz like a cartoon lion who was just electrocuted.
  2. Look up “detoxifying.” And “curl pattern.” And “Keri Russell in Felicity,” before she cut her hair, just so you have an unattainable ideal.
  3. Sample anti-frizz conditioners and curl defining serums until you find the right ones. Make sure they cost at least forty dollars each. Clutter your bathroom with the rejected bottles until the old show Hoarders calls hoping to feature you in a new episode.
  4. Buy a diffuser which is like a blow dryer but different because no normal store sells it. Dry your hair in the most uncomfortable position possible but not all the way, otherwise you’ll have the lion problem again.
  5. Once it’s to your liking, don’t go outside if it’s windy, rainy, snowy, humid, foggy, or Wednesday.
  6. If you live in a place that makes that impossible, move.
  7. At your going-away party, be sure to tell your friends and family that you’re moving because you have curly hair and this relocation is what your hair needs. They’ll understand if you show them the original Little Orphan Annie movie, a photo of you when you woke up that morning, and broccoli.
  8. When you realize no city can really protect your hair from environmental hazards, become a shut-in. Remember, even alone inside your home, you can flatten your curls if you sweat, head bang, or lie down. Basically, stop exercising, don’t listen to Metallica’s “Master of Puppets,” and sleep suspended in the air like a bat.
  9. Get a poodle because you’re very lonely. Wonder why the dog’s hair doesn’t look like an electrocuted lion even though he goes outside, rolls in the grass, and doesn’t use any serum.
  10. Before you start resenting your dog, order a camera that you can attach to him so that when he goes outside you can see what he sees through a linked iPhone app. Live vicariously through him.
  11. Train your dog to fly to France. You’ve always wanted to go to Paris.
  12. When TSA blocks your dog at security, ask your neighbor to go pick him up. Once he’s home, explain to the poodle that he had to finish his water bottle before getting in line.
  13. Notice the neighbor still standing in the doorway, eyeing you like you’re a quirky rom-com heroine. Even though he’s cute and you want to say “yes,” tell him you can’t go out to dinner. Give your curls as the reason. After he playfully touches your hair, slam the door in his face and immediately write a movie script about a John Wick-type character who hates dogs and instead seeks vengeance on behalf of innocent curls. High five yourself because you’re sure the script will make a million dollars. Thank goodness, you’re almost out of money and you need to buy more curl serum.
  14. Look in the mirror at your beautiful hair. Say, “Hey beautiful.” Curls respond well to praise. Then get ready to go to sleep suspended upside down with a nice app view of your dog peeing on a rock.