Amazon Drivers Won’t Ask If They Can Use Your Bathroom

The benefits with Prime keep on flowing! Paying a little more for Prime each month will ban your delivery drivers from begging you on their hands and knees with their legs crossed to ask to use your bathroom. Sorry to those drivers, but they’re going to have to continue peeing in those water bottles on the truck!

Packages Won’t Be Thrown At Your Window

A premium price means premium delivery and that’s what you get with this new Prime benefit. For non-Prime members, Amazon employees who spent an hour trying to figure out how to get into your building are throwing packages straight through living room windows like a husky child who hit a baseball through it. Customers who are exhausted from replacing their windows and their broken products can now opt for drivers to softly toss your package over your fence.

Amazon Alexa Will Plug Her Ears And Say La-La-La-La Repeatedly So She Won’t Hear Conversations

Gone are the days of Alexa recording your conversations if you’re willing to cough up a little extra cash each month. Weary customers can now use Alexa’s Earmuff Mode whenever they’re having a private conversation. As a result, Alexa will then yell “la-la-la” over and over until your conversation ends. Now, Amazon workers looking to strike can plan in secret. Finally, some peace of mind!

Bust Your Union Of Marriage For You

Amazon is taking their union-busting to another level. Starting next month, they’ll roll out a new feature to help customers get out of hopeless marriages. For an additional price, Amazon will send a handsome man to your home to have sex with your wife and schedule a time with you beforehand to catch them in the act. Anything to avoid having that tough conversation that the marriage wasn’t working out just got easier with this incredible Prime benefit.

Score Big With Whole Foods By Only Ordering Paper Grocery Bags To Use As Your Recycling Bags Because You Can’t Afford Anything Else

Amazon prides itself in providing Prime members money-saving deals with its partner, Whole Foods, which you can’t afford to shop at. Now, Prime members will receive half-priced delivery on the paper bags you would have used to bring your groceries home so that you can put your recyclables somewhere! While you or an Amazon employee may not be able to afford Whole Foods’ $18 carton of strawberries, you will be able to ensure that you can put your empty $3 Walmart strawberries carton into a paper bag before you take out the recycling. See, Amazon does love the environment!

Free Kindle Covers That Display The Cover Of The Erotic Novel You’re Currently Reading

If you’re tired of hearing all of the terrible things Amazon is doing on a daily basis, lose yourself in a book—or better yet, a Kindle! Amazon knows that 95% of Kindle readers purchased one in order to read their naughty, dirty Fabio novels in public in peace without anyone knowing that they’re a nasty little pervert. Enter Amazon’s new Prime freebie, Kindle covers that automatically virtually display the cover of the novel! But wait, your Kindle won’t work anymore unless you put the cover on it! Now, everyone will know that you’re sexually deprived—and a proud Prime member!

Amazon Drone Will Play Catch With Your Son, So You Can Catch Up On Prime Video

Nothing beats an old father-son bonding session playing catch (something an Amazon employee working an 18-hour warehouse shift will never get to experience)—except consuming subpar streaming content! With this new Prime perk, Amazon Drone will deliver your Amazon Firestick and 4K television right to your doorstep, and then stick around a little longer to have some high-quality time with your son! While Amazon Drone will both throw and catch a baseball with your only son and ask if he’s taken an interest in any girls lately, you can catch up on Prime Video’s tens of tens of original programming!

Jeff Bezos Comes To Your Home and Prepares You a “Prime” Prime Rib

Prime members, rejoice! Included in your Prime account, along with a small fee of $95,000.99 that Amazon workers will never see a cent of, is the Prime special, the prime rib! With this Prime perk, Amazon Founder Jeff Bezos will come to your humble kitchen and prepare you our flagship entrée. Watch Chef Bezos as he fumbles using a knife, mistakes butter for margarine when preparing the mashed potatoes side, and realizes he forgot to plug in the Crockpot four hours after preparation began. Yum!