WOULD: Portable Manger

Mamas, this is a must. I loved having this when I was praying, prostrating, or getting my nails done with the girls. I was able to bring Jesus along with me without needing the Three Wise Men to babysit. If you have the gold for it, you should absolutely splurge on a collapsible one in the event of a last-minute Holy War.

WOULDN’T: Burning Bush Night Light

As a self-proclaimed crunchy mom-to-be, I thought I NEEDED this item; something all natural, but super effective. But personally, my Baby slept like an Angel from the minute I was discharged from the stable, so… no waking up during the middle of the night for this mama! I guess I was just lucky?

WOULD: Gold Savings Bond

Had Joseph and I known that Jesus would end up veering off towards a… well, more “creative” career path, then we would have jumped on this. Don’t even pray on it, just do it so that your little Messiah can have a rainy day fund set aside to still be able survive, even if it’s on bread alone.

WOULDN’T: Stone Baby Gate

If your little Cherub is anything like our Jesus when He was a Babe, then skip the stone baby gate—no matter how heavy that sucker is, He’s gonna find a way to move it with His superpowers He got from His Dad’s side. I mean, this is the same kid who walked on water for Christ’s sake! You know, me and Joseph always said that with His energy he could have been the guy who leads the village stoning. But, you know… kids will form their own path. Anyway, the gate isn’t worth it.

WOULD: iScroll

This was a LIFESAVER. I loved how I could just flip on Miss Rachel, Wife of Jacob, when Jesus just needs to be entertained so that I could take a damn river bath for just five fucking minutes!

WOULDN’T: S is for Savior Book

Let’s just say there are people who read the book, and there are people who are the book. Remember, this all starts at home. Looking back, we just felt it wasn’t necessary to teach a Savior how to be one. Believe us, we tried it with “If You Give a Savior a Fish,” and that backfired.

WOULD: Water-Into-Wine Baby Locks

I remember as soon as I came home with my Little Guy, this Virgin Momma needed a DRANK. But at the same time, I didn’t want the Messiah getting drunk while I was watching Real Housewives of Judea and not Him. So these Water-Into-Wine Baby Locks were essential to making sure even the King of the Jews waited until the legal drinking age of four to let loose and enjoy a little bit of Himself.

WOULDN’T: Frankincense and Myrrh

See if you can get the receipt from the Three Wisemen to exchange for a set of fake eyelashes or something actually useful.

WOULD: Graco Camel Seat

Mamas: Listen. To. Me. You are going to want this seat on hand in case you have to flee to Egypt to not be killed by King Herod, or when you just need to take a quick camel ride around the village block so that your little Son of God can get some sleep. I love that the Graco Camel Seat™ kept my newborn king safe and sound. #gracopartner

WOULDN’T: HelloBaby King of the Jews Monitor

Between His Father being able to watch Jesus every other 24 hours, 7 days a week, and Joseph and I only residing in a one-room mud hut… let’s just say this didn’t get used much.