“Allbirds made a surprising announcement Wednesday that it is pivoting from shoes to artificial intelligence. The move boosted shares of the miniscule market cap company—it was valued at about $21 million at Tuesday’s close—by 582%. The shares, which were under $3 a day ago, jumped to about $17.”—CNBC

Son, as much as we’ve enjoyed being your parents, we all need to face the reality that there’s only one way to survive in this economy: being an AI company. That’s why, effective immediately, we’re shifting from the parenting sector to strategic AI infrastructure investments.

We’re proud of the work we’ve done in Parenting You. Seeding the business was a genuine pleasure, and, after months of development in our in-house incubator, your birth marked a crucial innovation in our domestic field. As with any new venture, the initial phases involved a lot of unexpected hiccups, but by the toddler unit of our collaboration, we had unlocked unparalleled levels of disruption.

Our initial angel investors, Nana, Pop-pop, Meemaw, and the other Pop-pop, expressed satisfaction with their early returns. We invested in brand awareness and marketing, with a targeted social media campaign promoting your milestones and annual mailers featuring several cute photos. By the sixth year of our venture, we were ready for an Initial Public School Offering, pulling back on our strategic daycare investment just as our valuation was at its peak.

However, market conditions changed. Nana, Pop-pop, Meemaw, and Pop-pop 2-but-we-pretend-he’s-the-primary-Pop-pop continued as shareholders, but they became less active as they turned to other interests, like gardening, attending physical therapy for a cascade of joint replacements, and crocheting blankets for their newer and more exciting grandkids. Furthermore, once you’d learned to read fluently, there simply were fewer innovations you brought to the being a child market. While we initially showed promise in the youth soccer enterprise, our immediate competitors Theo and Dashiell proved better positioned in a crowded field, and you only made the B team in travel (which, incidentally, requires the same capital outlays). Most importantly, “trying again” followed by several rounds of costly but ineffective IVF proved that even the successes we experienced with Parenting You were not scalable.

In short, Parenting You really plateaued during the elementary school segment. As our market cap slipped, the company no longer saw growth potential.

Ultimately, we realized that what mattered most wasn’t the industry itself, but the mission that brought us to Parenting You in the first place: to develop a portfolio of market-ready deliverables to the public.

That’s how we settled on AI. It’s the best way to improve our capital valuation, because it’s currently the only industry in the entire economy.

Parenting You has left us with many core competencies that translate perfectly in the AI sphere. First, we are already excellent prompt engineers, having observed that prompting you to “put on your shoes” was less results-oriented than “Let’s start a timer to see if you can put on your shoes faster than yesterday!” We’ve frequently had to verify your unrealistic-sounding claims and demand you reveal who told you that. We’ve also had to be careful not to admit you’re a monster before asking someone (Meemaw, for example) to take you—although, like most AI CEOs, we’ve sometimes botched that one.

To mark this transition, please immediately start calling us by our new names, NextMomAI and DadBoost Robotics.

While we will maintain majority shareholder oversight of the Parenting You venture, we’ll be turning most day-to-day operations over to our new strategic subsidiary, Mandy, more familiar to you as the teenager who lives across the street, who will babysit before and after school and on weekends.

Even though we’re moving on from Parenting You, we still want you to thrive. That’s why Mandy will guide you through the process of restructuring your assets from Childhood to becoming a small-cap AI company all your own.