The Human Flashlight She’ll find those evil villains hiding in the dark, oh yes, she will. (Unless she’s recharging at home, of course.)
I'm a copywriter and creative director who has published two humor books titled, "Do More Don'ts" and "Humanity Breeds Profanity." I never miss an opportunity to promote both books in the hope one of them can jump to #2,457,658 on Amazon's best sellers list.
Find Your Fast Track: Sometimes you reach your destination quicker because you simply run out of track.
- by Steve Wyatt
- May 11, 2021
I’m not jealous of our dog, but would it kill my wife to say “Good boy!” when I poop?
My knowledge of Greek history is my Archimedes heel.
Anthropologists believe Bigfoot will remain hidden until he has finished his screenplay.
My “therapist” thinks I don’t respect his role.
Prison counselor humor:
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
“Dress for the body you have, not the body you want.”
–Motivational serial killer
A friend accused me of sharing humble brags, so I had him removed from my yacht.
I’d prefer to die in quicksand than slow sand.
“Toaster” is a cute name for a bread torturing device.
If you’re determined enough, everything is a choking hazard.
Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
Never bring a fork to a knife fight.
Never bring a spoon to a fork fight.
Never bring a whisk to a spoon fight.
Never bring an egg to a whisk fight.
Never bring a grape to an egg fight.
Now that my eye infection is gone, I have a nfecton.
After my wife accused me of being overly defensive, it took weeks to figure out how she breached the outer perimeter.
Leatherface was always outshined by his fabulous cousin, Patent Leatherface.
Potential ridesharing company for teens: Uberty.
I don’t mind my doctor using a little hammer to test my reflexes, but are the little nails necessary?
I’m an anesthesiologist by day and a ventriloquist with a sedated patient by night.
They say, “Revenge is sweet.”
They also say, “Revenge is best served cold.”
So I say, “Revenge is ice cream.”
Shouldn’t the word “phonetic” be spelled “fonetic”?
Without my memory, who am I?
If you expect me to believe in reincarnation, you must think I was reborn yesterday.
To choose the correct spelling, trust your judgement. Or maybe your judgment?
Weddings would be more fun if The Worst Man gave a speech.
I often wish an intruder would break into my home at night because maybe HE will take my Spider-Man pajamas seriously.
Bragging about achieving something single-handedly sounds like you only put in half the effort.
My wife longed to hear the patter of tiny feet around the house, so I canceled our pest control service.
I used to do a lot of speed dating. Now I do a lot of speed alone.
When we’re not looking, there’s a strong chance that dogs do a few sneaky push-ups.
When we were told to chase our dreams, nobody mentioned they’d be mostly anxiety dreams.
When I check to see if “risktaker” is one word, two words, or hyphenated, I feel like I’m missing the point.
My son was bitten by a mouse and now he really likes cheese. This could be the worst superhero origin story ever.
Last holidays, we only got to see grandparents on Zoom. This year, we get to smell them again.
I followed in the footsteps of my hero. Now he has a restraining order against me.
If I ever see Bigfoot again, I hope he’s changed his “no photos” policy.
When I walk my dog, I get the sense he thinks he’s doing me a favor.
Growing up, I had such low self-esteem, my imaginary friend became my imaginary bully.
As I get older, I can sense people dressing me with their eyes.
Flashers don’t get paid. They just do it for the exposure.
The older you get, the better you get (at lying to yourself).
I don’t mean to brag, but I make everything look much harder than it is.
Your porn name is the first and last name you used to pay your way through college.
Happy National Stalker Day to those who observe.
Hey kids, Elmo is now in his forties, so if he asks you to tickle him, please tell your parents.
If the government banned circumcision, heads would roll from the top down.