We can’t all be superheroes—those lucky few who were struck by a cosmic energy bolt, or who fell into a nuclear-charged vat of frothing green liquid, or who even became a troubled billionaire, spending a fortune on sleek outfits and slick gadgets (we see you Zuckerberg). No, for many of us, the struggle to do amazing things (equipped with nothing more than a mediocre college education) is real. So, let’s take a moment to recognize those lesser-known heroes among us—those brave crusaders who live by the code: “With moderate power, comes moderate responsibility.”
Almost Man
He arrives minutes too late to save the day and is often seen riding in the back of an ambulance with an apologetic look on his face.
The Human Flashlight
She’ll find those evil villains hiding in the dark, oh yes, she will. (Unless she’s recharging at home, of course.)
Professor Laxative
This scholar of the bowel can evacuate dangerous obstructions with a single dose from his prune-filled pipette. He’s a one-man movement, but may take up to 12 hours to have an effect.
Saliva Face
This guy knows how to take it on the chin. His overactive drool can wash away wrongdoers in a single wave of super spittle.
The Credible Hulk
He uses his strength to carry groceries home, put up shelves, open stubborn jar lids, and even give the occasional massage (if he’s in the mood).
Barnacle Boy
When he gets attached, he’ll never let go. Seriously, that’s it— criminals are stuck with him and his annoying muffled voice forever.
Doctor Stinky Finger
Thor can keep his hammer of the thunder god. This handy hero has a deft, soap-defying digit that can distract even the most evil minds with just one whiff. Nobody knows his origin story, and nobody wants to.
The Ikeanator
He can construct flat-packed furniture without even looking at the instructions. He may have a screw loose, but he’s never without his mighty set of Allen keys.
The Avocado Whisperer
She doesn’t have to fondle hundreds of avocados to find Mr. Ripe. No, her self-proclaimed A-ray vision can save shoppers from feeling like they’re giving the Hulk his annual physical—a power not to be coughed at.
Captain Cold Sore
“Never fear, my herpes simplex virus is here.” Those words are the last thing bad guys want to hear. Before they know it, there’s a soft kiss on the lips, followed by that dreaded tingle.
Vole Woman
This daring, soft-haired character will unleash her…um…what do voles even do? Is it some type of shrew?
So, next time you’re wondering, “Is it a bird or is it a plane?” Yes, it’s probably one of those two things. But at least you can sleep soundly in bed at night knowing there’s a whole lower league of heroes out there ready to give it a go if ever they’re called upon. Or to quote the committed Barnacle Boy, “Mmph-mmph mmuumph mumph-mumph.”