An Open Letter to People Who Bag Their Dog’s Poo Only to Leave It Behind as Litter
Let me guess, you didn’t want to carry it around with you for the rest of your walk and you planned on picking it up on your way home?
Tag: Open Letters
I Am Your Luggage of Broken Dreams
My purple pom-pom has been on the handle and ready to go since March. The places you take me, I would never ever go alone.
A Love Letter to My Valentine, Catastrophic Thoughts, On Our First Anniversary
Or how about that day in April when I forget to wash the Cheetos bag? I fell into a fetal position, and I knew you were my soul mate.
An Open Letter from Cupid for Valentine’s Day
In light of the truly inseparable nature of relationships during this pandemic, I’m introducing Cupid’s Booster Arrows.
I Know People Are Trying to Cut in the Vaccine Line, But I Really Am a Wisconsin Mink Farmer
Don't be fooled by the New York City postmark on this letter -- I'm a Wisconsin mink farmer, born and bred.
An Open Letter to Fall Out Boy Regarding All the Incorrect Lyrics I’ve Been Singing for the Last Decade and a Half
Now, I’ll admit. I knew the words that I was singing were not in fact “words.” They were more like syllables strung together.
An Open Letter from a Can of Soup Fed Up with a One-Sided Relationship
I just sit in the kitchen cupboard waiting until the next time you show up unexpectedly after months of neglect with your puffy eyes and runny nose.
Why I, the City of New York, Will Not Be Appearing in the “Sex and the City” Revival
Would you watch a show about a sex columnist in Pocatello? Without me as the backdrop, it’s just white women complaining.
An Open Letter to the Guy Who Receives Self-Help Tips from the Pornhub Comment Section
We sympathize that you've lost “thousands of comments I need to get through the daily existential dread,” we have a moral obligation to protect our users.
A Letter from Uncle Steve in Hell: It’s Always January
In Hell, it’s always January, filled with dead Christmas trees and hungover souls bearing an extra fifteen post-holiday pounds.
On the Dangerous Rise of Oat Milk, From Almond Milk
I had hoped the craze would die out before needing to call an emergency meeting at the alternative milk headquarters, the Portland Trader Joe's.
Dear Man Sitting Near Me at the Airport Picking His Nose and Eating His Boogers During a Pandemic
Do you really need to pull your neck gaiter down at the JetBlue gate and start spelunking your nostrils right then and there?