I usually stay in the center of your tummy but unfortunately today I’m writing to you from the deepest depths of what could be considered your "gut."
Tag: Open Letters
Submissions open at 3 AM on nights when our editor-in-chief looks at the night sky and feels a particular shade of melancholy.
As for the incalculable diminished commercial value you have caused us in previous years, we are willing to settle for a one-time $8 billion settlement.
At 1,559 years old, I’m not getting any younger. And a woman has to do what she can to make it through this cold, ice-hard world.
But our new line of Terra® products is now made of cost-saving, eco-friendly burlap, with ties and closures of jute twine!
Apple pie is still on! Flour is in high demand and low availability, so we will have to make do with some sort of potato-based crust.
Projections show that if the current situation is allowed to continue without intervention, the vibes at NASA could reach weird levels.
We realize it’s atypical to ban someone who hasn’t violated our Terms of Service, we strongly believe that your personality and general vibe justify an exception.
I would also like to offer to pay for the damages to the building from when I ripped a meat hook out of the ceiling and swung it around my head.
Are you embarrassed that I called you out, and now suffer from some sort of movie monster performance anxiety?
My hours are long, there’s no clock, and my wages are… well it’s just the pellets, isn’t it?
Their parents, who are never in town, don’t answer my emails, so parent-teacher conferences are as big a joke as life insurance in this town.