Updated Rules for Our Town’s Annual Rubber Duck Race
No glass bottles. No breaking glass bottles. No threatening Duck Race volunteers with broken glass bottles.
Tag: Open Letters
An Important Announcement from the Makers of the Big Burlap Sack with a Dollar Sign On It
We take pride in our product. We know that there is no better feeling than tossing a big burlap sack over your shoulder after a big heist.
An Open Letter to the Man Who’s Liked Me on Hinge Five Times
My profile specifically states I'm looking for "the Jim to my Pam," meanwhile you're still "figuring out your relationship type."
Your Local Weed Guy Has Been Acquired by MegaTech
It’s still me, the same old Gary, but now I’m backed by a mega-cap corporate behemoth. You can just call me Gary Delivery Brought to You by MegaTech.
Parents, Unfortunately We Are Disbanding Our School’s Curling Team
Mr. Jensen has not won eight gold medals in curling. In fact, it’s unclear whether or not Mr. Jensen has even seen curling before.
Our Neighborhood Watch Is Just a Guy Holding a Plastic Bag Watching Women Parallel Park
We dispatch a man with a plastic bag (full of loose Arizona iced teas) to stare at her so hard she gets the dry sweats.
Dear Applicant, My God What Have We Done?
We regret to inform you we won't be able to offer you a position at this time. We'll always wonder what could have been.
For the Last Time, I’m Selling My “For Sale” Sign, Not My House
I do take issue with whoever claimed the domain liveauctionfor115belleview.net and started an all-out bidding war for my family’s home.
Letter to the Elusive BrätBus™: Why Do You Hate Our Wonderful Midwestern City?
You’re telling us that our beloved home--a place where many Hagen-Hogan BrätBoy Brats™ have been happily consumed--isn’t worth your time?
It’s Me, Your Healing Crystal, May I Have a Word?
When you cupped me in your hands and held me up to the light, I thought, “Okay, geologist!” I was excited to go home with you.
Nelson Family McRibmas Newsletter
Just goes to show you what 520 calories and 24 grams of protein per sandwich can do for your kids.
The Only Thanksgiving Topic We Can’t Discuss: The Cornucopia Grapes
Nothing good will come from yelling about whether there’s a glue spot on the plastic pear that indicates where a neighboring bunch of muscats should be adhered.