For starters, you named your dog Sausage. If your dog was a dachshund, this moniker might make sense.
Tag: Open Letters
I know one of you grown adults would never leave exploded beef stroganoff all over the microwave.
The person who left the initial voicemail saying, “Come to the lab immediately?” That’s Dave 7.
Our Tallest 2nd Grader: I mean, have you seen this kid? He can even spell “tyrannosaur.” Anyway, he’ll be teaching AP Bio.
I, The Scarecrow from Oz, Would like to Return My Brain in Exchange for Canceling My Student Loan Debt
They say your education is the one thing nobody can take away from you, but I implore you to do just that.
An Open Letter to Adam McKay About My Own Script, a Heavy-Handed Allegory for the Iran-Contra Affair
There’s something else rapidly becoming the defining issue of our time: the 1985 Iran-Contra affair. And goddamn, I’ve written a movie about it.
Is this just a money thing? Because I have the $5 birthday checks to prove this is a misguided venture.
Here in Human Resources, we are consistently e-applauding each and every one of our hard-working, self-sacrificing rockstars.
Please Take Notice: If You Ordered an IHOP Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Breakfast between March 14, 2016 and August 4, 2017, You May Be Entitled to Compensation
If you ate all that, we’re astonished you are alive to read this notice. Your arteries must be as hard as bricks.
My degree in the Art History of Bookbinding has proved utterly useless, even in the bookbinding industry.
I usually stay in the center of your tummy but unfortunately today I’m writing to you from the deepest depths of what could be considered your "gut."
Submissions open at 3 AM on nights when our editor-in-chief looks at the night sky and feels a particular shade of melancholy.