To the Members of Improv-ster Syndrome,

I know you can hear me.

After all, I always sit in the front row. And I have a voice that carries.

By now, you’re familiar with our little song and dance routine: You jog on stage, screaming wildly. I scream back. You welcome me to your improv show. I smile and soak it in. You ask for a suggestion. I bellow, full-throatedly: “CEDAR BLUFFS, NEBRASKA.” And you folks don’t even make eye contact. And you know what? That hurts my feelings. Don’t get me wrong: I’m a big fan of your troupe’s silly make-em-ups. More power to ya. But a fella can only be overlooked for so long without starting to take it personal.

You asked for a “word or phrase” to inspire your scene. I offered “Cedar Bluffs, Nebraska.” Where, pray tell, is the disconnect happening?

Your improv troupe is too edgy to remember the heartland, is that it? Why there was a time when Cedar Bluffs, Nebraska was the only link between Fremont and Wahoo! But you improvisers are too cool to celebrate the moment the Northwestern Railroad Company put Cedar Bluffs on the map in 1886, huh?

To be fair, I did just Google those facts. But if I can dig up this incredible trivia with a cursory search, then surely Cedar Bluffs, Nebraska is ripe comedic fodder. A lotta universal themes for a general audience. I mean, can a fella get a “yes, and?”

Maybe Cedar Bluffs, Nebraska scares you. It’s creatively daunting to work with Cedar Bluffs. Humorists for millennia have tried, probably. But none have succeeded. Run towards that fear, Improv-ster Syndrome. It’s what I do every time I attend one of your shows.

By the way, since when do you have standards? Might I remind you that you accepted “placenta” from Sandra in row 4 last week? You exhausted all placenta-related premises five minutes into your 45-minute set…. But oh ho ho, Cedar Bluffs would be a bridge too far. (I still loved the birthing scene by the way.)

Just think of the mileage you could get out of Cedar Bluffs, Nebraska. You could set a scene at Todd’s Tavern off Main Street—that’d be a lark! After all, there are always hijinks afoot there with ol’ Toddy slinging lagers. Or so I imagine. Maybe an ill-fated audition could take place at Cedar Bluffs Auditorium—last year’s community production of Bye Bye Birdie was a hoot and a half! Not that I was there. If none of these come to mind, there’s always the abandoned necktie factory—that place is haunted as hell! Presumably.

What hurts the most is that there’s four people in the audience, including me. It’s statistically impossible for my suggestion to not have been chosen. By my rudimentary arithmetic, we should’ve had several Cedar Bluffs, Nebraska scenes by now.

Are you guys mad at me or something? I’m sorry for yelling “scene!” during last week’s montage. I just really wanted to be involved. I now understand how that may have disrupted the entire flow of the show. But I hope you wouldn’t hold that against me and my suggestion (Cedar Bluffs, Nebraska).

I also apologize for clapping during that scene where claps made you guys break into song. I now realize that clapping is the sole responsibility of someone on stage. But I guess we’re penalizing enthusiasm now? I feel like being shushed by Jessica in the row behind me was punishment enough. You took her suggestion, too, by the way. “Cheese.” Really inspired, Jessica.

Anyway, can’t wait for next week’s show! I’ll start brainstorming my suggestion now. Just joking (I learned from the best)! But seriously. It’ll be Cedar Bluffs, Nebraska.

Where am I from? Oh, uh, Long Island.