Coming soon to a store near you, we are offering a brand new limited edition flavor, and it is bad. That’s right, it is truly terrible, and it’s only available for a limited time.

Don’t believe what the label on the box says. They may end up calling it Campfire Peanut Butter Cup, Mango Berry Blast, or Acceptable Taste, but I can assure you it is not acceptable. It tastes very bad. So act now, because quantities are limited!

We had a sneaking suspicion it might taste bad after our first focus group. People were saying it was “upsetting,” and it made them feel “unsafe,” and that it was “unethical” to make make them taste it. But I was fairly certain they just found out that I lied about paying them for their time.

When we set out to make a new flavor, we obviously didn’t mean for it to be bad. We started with something that tasted fine. It wasn’t great, but at least edible, and it just went downhill from there. Jerry just kept saying it’s not salty enough and I should have stopped listening WAY sooner than I did. Anyway, we used up every other flavor trying to fix this one, so now it’s all we have!

I understand you may want to know what this new limited edition flavor actually tastes like. We wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise but here’s a few fun facts:

  • It seems to kill ants.
  • One of the ingredients came from a bottle labeled “mistake.”
  • Jerry says it’s not that bad (Jerry is a pathological liar).

But don’t take our word for it, try it for yourself! And remember, this one’s only available for a limited time!

When I presented our new flavor to the board, they were not happy. One of them just kept repeating, “This cannot be the new flavor. This CANNOT be the new flavor.” However, when I told them we had to sell this or we’d go bankrupt, they reconsidered. So now we’re selling this flavor, but only for a limited time!

I’ll be the first to admit, nobody asked me to make a new flavor. In fact, I was supposed to be making our regular flavor. In hindsight, my boss clearly said, “Can you make a batch of regular flavor?” but I thought he said, “Can you make a batch of begular flavor?” I was all like, “What the hell is a begular flavor? What kind of stupid company am I working for?”

Anyway, I just kind of winged it. My bad.

Some in the company think I should be fired for creating such a bad flavor. They think that I lied on my application about my experience as a flavor scientist and that I’m just fumbling along and bankrupting the company as I go. I think they can blame me all they want, but they’re the ones that believed me, so who’s really at fault here?

Please buy this bad new flavor. If we don’t start moving some product the company will fold and then there won’t ever be anymore flavors, including good ones. I promise we will not make this bad flavor again. I couldn’t remake it even if I tried. I have no idea what’s in there!

However, we reserve the right to make a future limited edition bad flavor. Jerry has taught me a lot about supply and demand since starting here. If we sell out of this limited edition bad flavor, you all must have really liked it and we should make more. I won’t be able to make it exactly the same, but don’t worry, it will still be bad.

So come buy our limited edition bad new flavor. It’s terrible!