I’ve called this emergency staff meeting because we’re supposed to open in t-minus five minutes and I just realized we don’t have a clever name for our Wifi network and, I’m not going to lie, I am pretty steamed about it.

I mean, c’mon people, with the amount of time we all spend on our phones, how did we miss this? And if someone says our customers won’t care about the name of our Wifi network as long as it’s free, you’ll experience first-hand what it looks like when someone blows a gasket.

Picture this. You sit down with a hot macchiato and a fresh scone and want to check out Instagram so you go to join the Wifi network and instead of a clever name that riffs on the whole coffee shop vibe, you find yourself logging on to “ATT117x”? No matter how good the foam art is, or that the Wifi is free, you’re not going to hang around for another cup of coffee or pastry or a sandwich or something. You’re going to peace the fuck out.

If we don’t come up with something beyond the basic-ass Wifi name we currently have, that’s exactly what’s going to happen around here. So that six-pack or bottle of wine you planned on picking up on the way home with your tip money, you can kiss it goodbye. Along with any idea you had of this being a good day.

Seriously, we can brag all we want about being the only coffee shop in town that brews Tanzania Peaberry but I will tell you right now, those steaming mugs will immediately be transferred into a takeout cup the moment guests lay their eyes upon the atrocity that is our Wifi name.

So, what have you got? And when I say anything goes, I mean it. All it takes is one mention of this horseshit network name in a Yelp review to make us the laughing stock of the coffee shop community.

Am I asking for a name so good it will end up on a Buzzfeed list of the year’s best Wifi handles? I’m not not saying that, because if we don’t come up with something even remotely close, the vein in my neck is going to start throbbing and, trust me, nobody wants that to happen.

For fuck’s sake. I just remembered we’ve got a juicy bon mot on the sidewalk chalkboard today that’s going to put a lot of asses in seats. But once they come across our disgrace of a Wifi name, those asses are not going to stay in their seats.

Since you’ve all gone mute, I’m going to throw something out there to get things started. What if we, and remember we’re not looking for a long-term solution here, this is all about trying to get through today, so what if we rename the Wifi “FreeRefills”?

Will it drum up extra business and pad our tips? That’s a chance I’m willing to take. At the very least, it will keep my mind off whatever holy hell corporate is going rain down on us when they hear about the sizeable donation we’ll have to make to the food bank after closing down early because no one wants to hang around here.

Honestly, I don’t know what’s worse? Actually letting our customers lay their eyes on the hot garbage we call our network name? Or faking a Covid outbreak to cover up this whole Wifi fiasco?

Shit. I can feel the vein throbbing. We need to take care of this now or I’m going to trash the modem and put this godforsaken Wifi name out of its misery once and for all.

On that note, I need to take a break. My therapist says I should stop bottling up my rage, so I’m going to head out back to throw some old coffee mugs at the wall. You’ll have to figure out the Wifi name on your own. Text me when it’s done.