We’re all in this bar to have a good time. Maybe we each choose to have a good time differently, but there’s no need to pass judgment or poke fun at anyone here, even the person who is loudly playing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” on the jukebox in the corner. That guy, wherever he is in this bar, is probably going through a lot and deserves our support.
“Total Eclipse of the Heart” is a great song. Is it the best song for 10 PM on a fun Friday night? Maybe not, but maybe he needs to hear it very badly for whatever marriage-related problems he’s going through. If I had to guess, of course.
How can we laugh at someone if we don’t even know who it is? It could be any one of us: the fella sippin’ his whiskey in the corner, the blonde bombshell hustling a dart game, or maybe even someone exactly like me, a regular guy openly weeping into a Long Island Ice Tea and loudly asking Siri for directions to a motel.
You know, I bet a lot of people don’t know how deep Bonnie Tyler’s discography goes, and I have a hunch this guy—wherever he’s scrolling through his ex-wife’s Instagram—would be more than willing to tell you over a couple more Long Island Iced Teas.
If you asked him, instead of openly and loudly ridiculing him to the bartender, he probably would tell you so many hilarious anecdotes, and barely any super-sad anecdotes about how we took his wife Tiffany for granted.
He probably didn’t even mean to put on this song. Maybe his thumb slipped on his tear-covered Samsung Galaxy screen, maybe he meant to play something completely different, like “Since U Been Gone.”
I mean, whomst among us hasn’t accidentally played a 1983 pop-rock anthem three times in a row on a jukebox, or invested their entire life savings into an indoor helicopter racing arena, or spent their ex-wife’s life savings on legal fees stemming from a judicial hit job, a real low blow, from said indoor helicopter racing arena’s victims?
But maybe we should figure out who played it, just to be sure. On the count of three, raise your hand if you were the person who played this song. Just give me one more second, I need to make a call from a pay phone. Those numbers aren’t blocked.
“Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I’m only falling apart.” You’re telling me, pal. What’s that? Take my hand off your shoulder? Fine, just trying to create some camaraderie during this trying time (for whoever is using a TouchTunes jukebox to replace genuine emotional vulnerability).
A song is often more than just a song. Maybe “Total Eclipse of the Heart” has an emotional connection to him. Maybe he played it for his wife the first time he proposed (she said no). Maybe he played it the second time too, you know, in case she didn’t hear the question correctly (she did). Maybe he played it a third time before asking “will you NOT marry me,” thereby tricking her into years of matrimony and setting the stage for the emotional rollercoaster I, or I mean whoever played this song, is on.
Totally random idea I just had: let’s try and sing along to this song, and whoever gets the most words right is declared “Bar’s Coolest Dude, Not Sad.”
Fine, no one seems to be on my side. Typical. I guess I’ll just order a half-dozen more Long Island Iced Teas for the road and pop a couple more quarters in the ol’ tune-tub over here. I think what we all need is three or four or seven plays of “Someone Like You.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go sleep in the lobby of a Ramada Inn.