Are You There God? It’s Me, Your 4th Grader’s Recorder
Please don’t reopen school. I won’t be able to make it another year with those behemoths suffocating me with their skeevy, pudgy fingers.
Tag: Music
If Rick Allen Can Drum for Def Leppard with One Arm, Then Surely I Can Install This Backsplash
A poorly installed backsplash could actually DECREASE the value of my home, but did Rick Allen hire some “licensed professional” to do his drumming?
List: The Top 8 Pop Songs of the CIA’s Back Catalog
"Guantanamo," The Beach Boys (2005). This re-make of "Kokomo" failed to rebrand Guantanamo Bay as the Key Largo of military detention facilities.
Routine of a Quarantined Nice Guy
He might be stuck inside but this fella is still capable of making dozens of women uncomfortable, from the comfort of his own home!
List: The PDX Protest Festival Lineup
A rundown of all the groups scheduled to appear at Portland's nightly protest, including Average Wife Band and They Might Be Half-Brothers.
Top 5 Items to Steal from the Medicine Cabinet of Grammy Award-Winning Artist Paul Simon
Paul’s Empty Advil Container That He Repurposed to Hide His State Quarters: Cast the pill bottle aside and fill your pockets with the beautiful coins.
Doth a Man Live by His Neck Tattoo, and Not the Beauty That Stirs His Heart?
A millennium of mystics lives in my heart. But when you look at me, all you see is “Prince of Darkness” in Comic Sans stretched just under my chin.
The Vlad Quartet Is Not Playing at Ronnie Scotts
"Hello, this is Valedy calling. So sorry I missed the gig. I got pranked. Somebody nailed my coffin shut. By the time I got out, it was the next day."
List: Quaint Towns to Visit Before They’re Completely Leveled by Music Festivals
Reine, Norway - This sleepy fishing village doesn’t have much time before it catches a lethal dose of Imagine Dragons.
No, I Didn’t Break Quarantine to Have a Sex Party
I heard one radio report suggest that there were flashing lights and loud music. My electricity is slightly faulty and caused momentary outages.
I’m Queen Elsa from the “Frozen” Broadway Show and I’m Here to Announce Your Company’s Hiring Freeze
Thank goodness I’m still booking kindergarten graduations and Mormon cosplay through Cameo.
Diary Entries from the Season Bob Dylan Coached My Son’s Little League Team
Instead of wearing baseball caps, Coach Dylan has all the kids wearing these weird old hats he found at a garage sale.