From: The Band Phish ([email protected])
Subject: Can YOU Help the Phish?

Dear Phish Head,

It’s your favorite jam band. Our van broke down on the way to one of our signature solo music festivals, and we’re asking generous, conventionally attractive fans to help get us back on the road. Send money immediately to our van repair fund on the cash app @PhishPhund85. Our fate is in your hands.

From: Trey Anastasio, Lead Singer of Phish ([email protected])
Subject: I Need to Hear From You Immediately

Hey Phish Phan.

Trey Anastasio here. Frankly, your father and I are disappointed you didn’t donate to our van repair fund. Luckily, we found a mechanic to fix our van in exchange for an on-stage shoutout. But, he needs YOUR social security number to make it happen.

Please send ASAP to [email protected]. Mechanic Dan’s a cool dude. We look forward to shouting him out on stage.

From: Page Samuel McConnell, Phish Keyboardist? ([email protected])
Subject: Dan Locked Us in the Bathroom

Hey there, it’s Page McConnell—the hip Phish who joined the band last. Look, I’m not saying it’s your fault, but things have taken a dramatic turn.

When Mechanic Dan didn’t receive your social security number, he lured us into a trap and now we’re stuck in this autoshop bathroom.

Can we count on you to make things right?!

Send us the exact spelling of your mother’s maiden name and he’ll let us out.

From: Mechanic Dan, Leader of the Band Now Known as FISH ([email protected])
Subject: URGENT: It’s FISH, Not Phish

Hi folks, this is Mechanic Dan. In the absence of any response, I have taken over this email account and I am changing the band’s name to Fish.

All future correspondence will come from Fish, not Phish. Not Phishy. Not Phishes.

Please reply with the make and model of your first car for a chance to win tickets to the world’s first Fish concert.

From: Jon Fishman, Drummer of Fish ([email protected])
Subject: Support the Fish

Hello! This is Jon Fishman, co-founder of the band now called Fish. Just popping in to say I fully support the name change and the band should have been named after me in the first place.

Please respond with 50 Chili’s gift cards loaded with $10 each, and I’ll send you a limited-edition “Fish in the Bathroom” t-shirt.

From: Mike Gordon, Bassist Still Locked in the Mechanic’s Bathroom ([email protected])
Subject: MORE URGENT: It’s Still PHISH, not FISH

Good Morrow. It’s Mike Gordon, the sexy Phish. I noticed you still haven’t replied to our previous emails. Rest assured, the band is still very much called Phish. We’ve even stopped Jon from taking selfies for his “Fish in the Bathroom” merch.

Moving forward, you may ignore all emails from Fish, but please reply to this message with the full name of your paternal grandmother.

From: Jon Fishman, Drummer of Phish ([email protected])
Subject: I Love PHISH, Do YOU?!

Hello Again! I wanted to say, under no duress whatsoever, that I was joking before. I’ve always loved that our band name uses an obscure consonant digraph to sound like my name without actually being my name. It’s the best.

If you also love Phish, prove it by sending me your home address and your great aunt’s peach cobbler recipe.

From: Van Driver of Phish and Fish ([email protected])
Subject: The Phish Need YOUR Help

Greetings. This is Gregory. I have been the van driver for Phish for over 40 years and Fish for the last 20 minutes.

I have retrieved the Phish from the bathroom, and they have all agreed to refer to the band as Fish on every third Thursday of the month. Even Dan and Jon can agree the original name has better SEO.

We’re finally back on the road, but the boys are getting hangry—you never sent any Chili’s gift cards.

Please immediately send $250 to our venmo @FeedThePhish. If you’re reading this on the third Thursday of the month, you can send it to @FeedTheFish.

Your generosity is greatly appreciated.