From: Dr. Kendall—Healthy Dental
Subject: SMILE

RE: SMILE

Hi Dr. Kendall and team,

Wow, this is a beautiful email to wake up to on my birthday.

To be honest I’m a bit shocked to learn you remembered, I know years have passed since I’ve been in. The animated e-card you included (a tooth with a birthday hat! Who thinks of these things?!) is bringing me a kind of joy I’ve long searched for. I think this will be a great birthday!

From: Cardio Fusion
Subject: Cake Cake Cake Cake, turn your Bday into Body!

RE: Cake Cake Cake…

Dear Cardio Fusion Team,

I’m flattered to receive your well wishes, but I must admit I’m not familiar with your company nor aware of how you received my email/birthdate. While I can’t say I ever pictured myself as a “cardio fusion” sort of guy, opening your email has opened up something in me. My wife has long been saying I should “go to the gym,” or “do anything physical,” but I never really understood what she meant. Today is not just the day I was born, it’s the day I was born anew. By the time you read this I may already be transformed.

From: Staples
Subject: It’s Your Birthday! Special Present Inside!

RE: It’s Your Birthday!…

To the team at Staples,

I don’t want to appear ungrateful for the 15% coupon you gifted me on my birthday (it’s more than my sister gave me). To be frank, this arrives at a somewhat complicated time professionally. Perhaps you heard I was laid off not too long ago. Actually, I’ll assume you didn’t hear since that would make your email cruel in a way I know is not a part of your corporate values. I didn’t inform you and that’s my mistake.

I wanted to let you know so that you could share this gift with someone more deserving. Your generosity is not unnoticed.

Your Friend, Always,

From: Deutschland.TV
Subject: Alles Gute zum Geburtstag von Deutschland.TV!

RE: Alles Gute…

Greetings,

First of all, Danke shoen! Who knew that me creating an account on that TV in the Berlin Airbnb all those years ago would lead us here. I love having a pen pal! I often still think about the dubbed version of NCIS you showed me during a difficult time.

You’ll have to forgive me for not responding in any detail to your email, much like in 2018 when I was in Berlin, I still do not understand any German. But unlike then, I am now the proud father of two boys. I’ve attached photos of them. I hope you and your current broadcast lineup are healthy and prosperous.

Looking forward to staying in touch (please write back in English).

From: Chase Bank
Subject: Here’s to growth and prosperity in your new year! Happy Birthday!

RE: Here’s to growth…

My heart soared when I saw your birthday email, thank you so much. As my trusted banking partner, you know it’s been a rather rocky few months financially for me, so to see such an optimistic message from you on this day is really meaningful. I’m so grateful to have your support and enthusiasm for finding a path out of this.

By the way, I left my debit card at Jumpin Joe’s Canteen last night while celebrating. Assume all charges after the first drink were fraudulent and should be reimbursed. If it says I paid for six tequila shooters, that’s definitely a lie.

From: TUMS
Subject: TUMorrow’s the big day, happy early birthday!

RE: TUMorrow…

Dear Tums,

My sincere apologies, I just saw your email from yesterday, I’m not sure how I could have missed it. Yesterday was quite hectic for me, without getting into the details let’s just say I am in need of a lawyer (if you know of anyone, please forward their info [somewhat urgent!]).

Birthdays are emotionally tricky for me since they prompt me to reassess where I am in my life. But then, I receive a buy-one-get-one-free promotion for my next purchase of a TUMS product and I think, okay. I’m good.

You have no idea what a gift you’ve given me.

Indebtedly yours,

To: Dr. Kendall—Healthy Dental

RE: RE: SMILE

Hi again Dr. Kendall and team,

Apologies for following up again so soon, but I wanted to introduce you to Staples (cc’d here). They had given me a coupon for 15% off my next purchase that I unfortunately cannot use. You may have heard from Chase Bank that I was laid off recently so I am no longer in need of Staples’ incredible products. I thought the two of you would really hit it off.

Due to the aforementioned lay off, I no longer have health insurance, so please consider the forwarding of this coupon as part of my next co-pay. Thank you in advance!

From: FroZone Frozen Yogurt Co.
Subject: Free Small Birthday Fro-Yo at Any FroZone Location (Today Only)!

RE: Free Small…

Dearest FroZone,

I’m writing this with tears in my eyes. No one has ever given me a gift like the one you’ve given me. Certainly not my sister.

I’ll be at my nearest FroZone as soon as you’re open with my sons to celebrate properly. Having them see me get a free small frozen yogurt is the sort of moment a Dad dreams about. I will then leave them and pick them up whenever I land back on my feet. It will be hard, but I know you will be able to provide a better life for them than I currently can. Please note they are both lactose intolerant.

From: Mom
Subject: Happy Birthday To My Beautiful Boy! To my first born!

RE: Happy Birthday…

Thanks Mom.