9:05 P.M.

Never. Get the hell out of here.

9:42 P.M.

Last song before your first ​set break and you see the crowd move towards the bar a little​ earlier than you’d like. Should​’ve thought twice before playing your​ l​o-fi, post-punk interpretive cover of “Imagine.” But​ it’s fine! It’s still early and people are going to be getting very drunk, very soon. So much so that they’ll sing the second verse of “Call Me Maybe” so loud they won’t notice you never learned it.

10:05 P.M.

Are people still getting their drinks? Of course they are because the bartenders ​are slow as hell. ​Use this time to count into the mic even if it was never actually turned off. That’ll get everyone’s attention. Smile to yourself and remember you’re the lead singer of the house band!

10:06 P.M.

Wait, you are the house band, right? You did have that conversation with the manager, right? First and third Wednesday of every month are yours. That’s house band status. Doesn’t matter what your friends or girls on Hinge say. Okay, ​get​ these people back on the dance floor. Not with Whitney, though. Maybe try your rendition of that Lil Nas X song?

10:24 P.M.

Has that older dude with frosted tips requested “Every Morning” yet? He always does. Weird flex for a non-karaoke night. Play Third Eye Blind instead​ and watch him leave.

10:​27 P.M.

He stormed out didn’t he? Told you​! You’re the best house band front man this bar has ever seen. Hey, speaking of this bar, has anyone spilled their drink on anyone else yet? No? They will after you play “Tubthumping!” That really gets ‘em going!

​10:52 P.M.

Friendly reminder to check for new followers on your Bandcamp.

10:53 P.M.

Friendlier reminder to ask for the bar’s Wi-Fi password next time.

11:​29 P.M.

Starting to get more crowded, isn’t it? Is there a line outside of the door? ​Okay maybe not yet, but there will be.​ You gotta ​make ‘em wait for it. Make ‘em want it! It’s Whitney ​f’n’ Houston, not some throwaway ​L​ou Bega song. Speaking of…

11:58 P.M.

It’s almost midnight and it’s probably getting increasingly more difficult to order a drink because the bartenders are half in the bag by now and focused on getting numbers for later tonight. ​Has it got louder in here or is it just you? Hey, maybe ask if it’s anyone’s birthday tomorrow!

12:19 A.M.

How’s your water intake this evening?

12:41 A.M.

It’s ​getting late. You’re probably tired because the energy has been electric all night. Luckily​, everyone in this godforsaken bar looks like they know the lyrics to “What’s My Age Again.”

12:4​4 A.M.

Okay! ​That was ​really good! I think we’re getting somewhere​ with this crowd! Now…Hit ‘em harder. Tell​ D-Smooth to turn his Casio all the way up. Everyone loves the opening to “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

12:5​0 A.M.

Now! Do it! Do it now! There are no other options. LOUD AS YOU CAN. “Clock strikes above the hoooour and the sunnnnn begins to faaaade.”

​12:57 A.M.

Take it all in my friend, they’re going crazy for you and only you and not that birthday party that just came in.

1:​35 A.M.

Get a drink, it’s last call. ​Pretty bomb​ show, right? You know, Dave Matthews started out as the house band at a bar in Virginia and look at where he is now. That’s gonna be you someday. Any day now, amigo. Enjoy that Miller Lite, ​champ. You earned it tonight.