The Pac-Man Ghosts Are Unionizing
Why does Pac-Man have to eat us? We’re starting to doubt the “we’re a family” ethos he’s always mentioning while he races after us, lips flapping.
Comedy Writing
What’s Going Through My Head During My Family Feud Fast Money Round
Animal with four letters in its name? Easy: cat. Wait– Oh my God. I meant cat with two t’s? Ok, shake that off.
An Oral History of Your Conception
Jerry Kaufman (Your Dad): Did I think we were going to conceive a child during the Insurance Adjusters of American Convention? No.
My Elevator Pitch About a Disaster Movie Set In an Elevator
I suppose death could be right around the corner for us... In the movie, of course!
Everything at Area 51, Besides the Aliens
Bigfoot, Chupacabra, but not Mothman (he’s a real jerk)
We Need to End Big Government Regulation of Knife-Fireworks
The suits on Capitol Hill are scared of an everyday American taking two of our country's greatest pursuits, knives, and recreational explosives.
Cancel Culture Is This Jar of Pickles I Can’t Open
Cancel culture is holding back the next Great American Novel, groundbreaking works of political theory, and my Wednesday afternoon lunch.
Translation Guide for Our Company’s Return Policy
"Print out a prepaid shipping label." We’re aware there’s no logical reason for a partly-employed 24-year-old to have a printer.
Censorship Is Preventing Me from Publishing My Novel “Rat Sex in Outer Space”
Brave ideas drowned in a sea of silence. That’s a direct quote from "Rat Sex in Outer Space" and it applies here.
It’s Finally Time to Unveil the First Ever Musical About Cats
It’s true that after I woke up from my forty-five-year coma last week, I was tempted to change gears. But I couldn’t temper my passion.
Thank You for Donating Your Body to Pseudoscience
The possibilities are endless due to your contribution. You could be used to study telepathy, astral projecting, homeopathy, ESP, and many more.
Cover Letter from Your New Kitten
I plan to hit the ground running, and then run some more, and then more, then hit a wall, and then puke on your open laptop.