Translation Guide for Our Company’s Return Policy
"Print out a prepaid shipping label." We’re aware there’s no logical reason for a partly-employed 24-year-old to have a printer.
Comedy Writing
Censorship Is Preventing Me from Publishing My Novel “Rat Sex in Outer Space”
Brave ideas drowned in a sea of silence. That’s a direct quote from "Rat Sex in Outer Space" and it applies here.
It’s Finally Time to Unveil the First Ever Musical About Cats
It’s true that after I woke up from my forty-five-year coma last week, I was tempted to change gears. But I couldn’t temper my passion.
Thank You for Donating Your Body to Pseudoscience
The possibilities are endless due to your contribution. You could be used to study telepathy, astral projecting, homeopathy, ESP, and many more.
Cover Letter from Your New Kitten
I plan to hit the ground running, and then run some more, and then more, then hit a wall, and then puke on your open laptop.
Other Things in a Kangaroo’s Pouch
A love letter, never sent / Pocket Bible (illustrated) / Hard candies, all unwrapped / Sack of flour dressed like a baby, for practice
I Should Have Chosen a Less-Sinister Name Than GloboTech LLC for My Globe Store
I have never taken contracts from the Department of Defense, the CIA, FEMA, or Burkina Faso. Our biggest buyer last year was Betty Hansen.
Life in the 1820’s or Life in Your 20’s?
You have dreams of leaving your hometown for some far away place you can reinvent yourself, some wild and distant land like Minneapolis.
My Name Is Old MacDonald and I Had More Than a Farm, I Had a Family
First there was a cluck-cluck here, then a cluck-cluck there, but soon my nightmares were filled with the cooings and cawings of the foulest fowl.
Listen Scumbag, We Can Do This the Easy Way or the Hard Way or the Real Silly Way
I have a team of techs going over every inch of your apartment. I also know we could find so many hilarious props around here.
House Hunting Tips from a “Law & Order” Detective
You’re gonna want a place near bars, delis, and neighborhood laundromats. These are full of characters who will be furiously vague witnesses.
Rejected Malcolm Gladwell Books
Shut Up: How Talking Makes It Harder to Communicate and Causes Large Fires / Dogs: They Were Puppies Once / Losers: The Real Winners, Who Lost