I’m excited. I can do this. I’ve seen it a million times on television.

Lights are brighter at center stage. Do my knees usually sweat so much? Should I be able to feel my knees?

Animal with four letters in its name? Easy: cat. Wait–

Oh my God. I meant cat with two t’s? Ok, shake that off.

Month associated with the holidays? December. Good, nailed it.

I wonder if people will remember that cat thing. God, I could have said anything else. Fish.

Would they have accepted fish? Is fish its own animal or, like, a category? Is it like birds? I could have said bird. I’m never going to live this down. I bet when my brother-in-law sees this on t.v. he’ll say something really witty and biting.

I need to do well enough at least give my Mom a chance to win when she goes on next. She’s great at these kinds of games. I wonder what will happen when she dies. I don’t think I can handle it.

Something you find in your pocket? Fish. Wait, no, no, no. I was thinking of fish from before, can we go back to question one?

Maybe I’ll tell them I meant fish like “Go Fish, Steve, I don’t have the answer.” That’d be funny. That’s something my brother-in-law would say.

Two questions left, I can still turn this around.

I think, all things considered, I shouldn’t have gotten married or had kids.

A famous cartoon dog? Clifford. Good, got that one.

Crowd is pretty quiet, I thought they’d be happy with my answer.

Why is everyone silently staring at me? Is my fly down? Did I say fish again?

The crowd is still staring at me, especially that one small man in the front row.

What is happening with these people? Why are my knees so wet? Should a human man be able to feel his knees, or anyone’s knees? I’m afraid of going to the doctor and I lie about how much I smoke because I’m worried they’ll tell someone.

This game show purgatory is a silent coffin in which I’ll forever be entombed.

Oh, I forgot to say Clifford out loud. “Clifford.”

Steve Harvey is looking at me with a menace in his eyes I’ve only ever seen in wild bobcats.

Have my hands been in my pockets this whole time? It would be super weird to take them out now. I bet some lint would fall out. I’d probably go viral as Lint Guy. My brother-in-law would comment on the YouTube video and make everyone laugh at Thanksgiving. Bradley always does.

I think I’m going to take my hands out of my pockets and probably ask my wife for a separation, just for a little.

Do you think God stays in heaven because he, too, lives in fear of what he's created here on earth?

That’s a line from Spy Kids 2, why is that in my head?

I can’t understand a word Steve Harvey is saying. Why is he talking so fast? He’s practically shouting at me from under that mustache!

Steve, slow down!

Oh God, I said that out loud.

Time’s up. I didn’t even answer the last question.

“Name an animal you’d often find at a pet store.”

Come on.

Cat.


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