Congratulations and thank you. By checking that very small box on your driver’s license, you are one of the compassionate few who chose to donate your body to pseudoscience in the event of your death. You can rest assured that your death will not be in vain. You will be used to further the study of fake science everywhere!

The possibilities are endless due to your contribution. You could be used to study telepathy, astral projecting, homeopathy, ESP, and many more.

If you’re more interested in “traditional” sciences, don’t worry at all. Your body will be used to set those fields back hundreds of years. The contributions your body provides will propel further discoveries, like a perpetual motion corpse (another exciting field of study!). Your humble body will create grand discoveries, a true Nibiru Collision moment for our field.

We hope that you are committed to the cause of pseudoscience, but we know some change their minds. We attribute this in part to the movements of Mercury into the third house, but we also understand death is a frightening concept. That’s why we encourage you to imagine yourself as something larger than “the self.” Some think of themselves reborn as a forest of trees, but we’d love it if you imagined yourself as a lifeless corpse blasted with illegally siphoned electricity as part of our “Mondo Frankenstein Project.”

Rest assured a global team of pseudo-scientific experts will be putting your body to good use. I’m sure you’ve heard of the American Reiki Commission, the award-nominated Council for Colloidal Silver Studies, or of course, the ever-active Daughters of the Face on Mars.

There are millions of case studies proving the benefits of our pseudoscientific processes.

Unfortunately, they’ve been suppressed by Big Industry, so you’ll have to take our word for it, but let me give you a small treat. Does the phrase “Ergonomic Interdimensional Orgasm” mean anything to you? It doesn't to me, but I’m sure there is someone out there who can put some numbers behind that really killer name.

Project yourself a bit into the future for me—you’ve had experience with astral projection, right?—and see the true beauty of your contributions. You’ll be like the Giving Tree, but submerged in a rusted barrel of engine fluid while laboratory-grade DMT streams through your veins, all in the hope that your energy points (which we’ll find with one of our patented energy point divining rods) will one day cure cancer (granted, we can already cure cancer with a simple combination of hibiscus, garlic, and fish oil, but you can never have too many pseudoscientific cures to offer people).

We’re proud of you. We’re proud of you for not blindly accepting the “wisdom” of corporate government interests who seek to hide the truth. You’re not a sheep. No, you’re a visionary whose lifeless body will be driven in a warm U-Haul to a warehouse in Paramus, New Jersey under the care of two disgraced physicians from the former Soviet Bloc. You’re going to change the world. Just your body, a simple pseudoscientific dream, and the former Doctors Mirko and Lubina Kobliska.


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