If I've never given credit to womankind—and I'm pretty sure I haven't—I'll give them this now: Bitch, if you aren't ugly, crazy or just plain fat, you are, essentially, a work of art.

Take my current favorite supermodel: Bar Rafaeli. The bitch is personified Beauty—a verified masterpiece of flesh and bone. If she gave me the ability to insert myself into her just once, I would happily… no, joyously give her my soul in return… forever (note: souls, while utter fantasy, are the only currency that women accept nowadays).

So sure, the misogynist himself is going to admit it right now: I, Nick Gaudio, very much enjoy seeing women—those soul-eating succubi—kiss, rub, lick and the like. Even to the point of (gasp) feeling some sort of worth for them. Though, not much.

Shocking, I know. But as one hot woman is a work of art, two hot women making use of their art (with their tongues) is akin to combining Leonardo and Michelangelo… into one well-timed ninja attack… while shouting “Cowabunga”… and eating cheese pizza.

I figure, since good things shouldn't be horded, I'll show you all my patented technique for getting girls to kiss… each other.

Note: This article assumes, wrongly, that most girls aren't sluts and that getting them to kiss is difficult. My bad.

Step 1: Understanding Why Straight Girls Kiss… Each Other

If you want to do this, I'm a firm believer—as is my penis—that you've got to understand what you're manipulating before you're actually able to coax it into doing something for your own entertainment (or in this case, your own mental spank bank). Luckily, it's not entirely too difficult to understand women, or why they kiss. You see, women have two main motivations:
“The trick is to make the slobberfest seem like an everyday occurrence.”

1. Attention-based

Well, no shit.

2. Sexual-based

In terms of our current goal, this means that both girls possibly aren't straight. Now, before you get excited, of all the reasons why girls kiss… each other, this has got to be the least likely. Most of the ladies you'll exploit are actually only cock-feigning whores who would much rather have a dick in their pussy than have to worry about carpet burn. They don't necessarily get sexual gratification when kissing girls, per se, yet they do get off on the attention created by the aura of sexual attraction. I should say that we shouldn't feel too terribly bad about manipulating women into doing this; credible studies suggest that women find it easier to float from heterosexuality to bisexuality than do men, if only because… well… have you seen a nice pair of titties? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Warning: These two drives may be divided into an infinite number of combinations, and rarely are any two women the same (irony). The good thing about this? You really don't have to know a girl that well (or at all, in most cases) to get her to stick her tongue down another girl's throat. All you have to do, my good friend, is keep reading.

Step 2: Getting Them All WASTED

Fiendishly devilish, I know, but as a wise, overgrown rat named Splinter once told me, “You've got to get a little social lubrication involved before you break out the actual KY.”

A tray full of moderately-strong Jell-O shots should do the trick. If not, buy/pour a shot or two of tequila. If that still doesn't work, grab their hair and shove their heads into a trough of jungle juice. After all, that's why God gave us two hands. Or if you're lucky enough to have a few women around, you've got enough friends with two hands each.

Note: If you're lucky enough to have more chicks around than dudes… you're in a tanning salon… homo.

Step 3: Putting Yourself in the Right Mindset

Depending on how drunk the girls are, pulling this off takes guile, guts and graceful aggression. Your goal is to get both of the girls good-humored enough to feel gratified when groping in front of the glaring gaze of a group of gawking, beer-guzzling guys. And uh… the letter G.

Alliteration aside…. Darnit! Dangit! Doggonit! Dag!


Just don't be fucking creepy about it, alright?

Here's a quick lesson via my creepy friend Sam…

Me: Hey, you know what? I think you two girls should… kiss.

As you can see, I had to work doubly hard in order to get those girls to kiss, because Sam was a) being way too excited about it, b) being a pervert and c) drawing attention to the fact that girls kissing was somewhat “abnormal” behavior.

Note: At some point in your life, you've probably recognized that the guys who get laid the most are the guys who also make it seem like sex isn't that important. Just like that, the trick here is to make the slobberfest seem like an everyday occurrence. By eliminating the “THAT'D BE SO FUCKIN' AWESOME!!!” factor, you'll be impressed by the levels of skanktacular affection supplied by your victims.

Step 4: Mastering the Physical Space

Newton once said something about every action causes an equal and opposite reaction.

When girls are kissing, the only “reaction” you want is the grab of an ass or the removal of a bra. Ironically, this won't happen if you do it for them. In fact, they'll probably stop.

Note: You need to be close enough to see every movement of lip, tongue and hand, and far enough for the girls to feel comfortable. Again, this depends on the girls and how drunk they are, but from my experience, four feet is ideal. Also, you'll want to position yourself at an angle where you can see these two girls completely, but it may appear as though you can't—and about four feet away. You'll see why this is essential later in the tutorial.

Step 5: Flattering Drunk Bitches

“You're sexy.”

Note: It's not too fucking difficult.

Step 6: Making Suggestions

Never tell a woman what to do.

God. Never. Ever. Ever.

You want to simply suggest the idea of something mildly sexual, then lead up into something more severe. First, start easy with a peck on the lips; that's easy. Then make your way up into tongue… second base… carpet munching… so on and so forth.

Family Guy has an interesting take on this, when Peter goes to a Feminist Camp and tells a pair of hugging girls to smell each other a little. While getting girls our age to hug is as exciting as most of PIC's front page articles recently, the idea of a gradient of sexual activity works in most cases with women. After all, you generally get to feel titty before you see it… naked, at least.

Note: I said a “peck on the lips.” Not “peck on the cheek.” Because unless that “cheek” was, at some point, being hugged by a pair of capris, nothing else is going to happen.

Step 7: Faking Temporary “Blindness”

The most important step of them all: Once you get them to kiss, you're going to act like you missed it. Yes, you're going to be the same old unexcited, unenthusiastic guy you were before: you're not impressed… you do not have a raging boner like your friends do. You'll be the guy who remains in control. The guy who says, “Well, it's not very fair that everybody else got to see it and I didn't. After all, I was the one who suggested it.”

9 out of 10 times, this works. Swear to God. The other times? Well, punch them in the spleen and have yourself a few shots of whiskey for another try.

Note: Keep going it until they get frustrated or more hardcore, then ask to participate. If this is done all right, you can actually go blind later… after jerking off like crazy, remembering how you got two girls to suck your dick in the bathroom of a frat house. Just remember, don't be like Sam; be like Mike… the orange one.

Additional Tips

Tip #1: When choosing your girls, select good friends, but not best friends. This way, their competitive nature will be maximized, shining through like a beacon of light on a foggy night, and both will try to outdo each other. Also, best friends generally don't make-out because they, somehow, realize that they'll have to react with each other when sober. And honestly, nobody likes that.

Tip #2: If you're good enough to beat a pair of girls… at beer pong (and you'd better be if you consider yourself a man)… offer a bet. Whatever team loses will have to kiss. And hot damn, you're playing with an attractive girl already, right? Usually, this doesn't work at first, but if you're able to wait for a good time later in the night (see Step 2), you'll be able to convince them that one can't make bets and not pay up.

Tip #3: Slip some ecstasy in the Jell-O shots… or offer some sort of all-expense-paid trip to Cancun or some shit. Works for the bars, at least.

Tip #4: Try to be in front of a decent-sized group of people who can control themselves; unlike that weenbag Sam. Too large of a group creates too much pressure (which actually works on the really slutty bitches); too little of a group and the girls'll catch on and run away like drunk, frightened squirrels (good for a laugh).

Tip #5: Invest in a Girls Gone Wild t-shirt, hat and video camera. The rest works itself out.

Tip #6: Whatever you do, get it on tape.

Tip #7: Send it to me.

Tip #8: The end.

Tip #9: (Stop reading.)

Tip #10: (Now.)