To Whom It May Concern,

I’m very excited for the opportunity to be a new kitten in your home. I’m sure you are considering many applicants, but I believe I have the skills necessary to thrive in this environment.

What I may lack in traditional experience, I make up for in absolute insanity. I assure you, while I do not have years of zooming around your small apartment between the hours of 2 and 3 AM, I promise I will smash into as many fragile and incredibly sentimental objects as possible. If you can’t replace it, I’m the cat who will shove it off the mantel.

In this role, I will bring a sense of abject chaos to your daily routine. You can expect the utmost level of workplace interruption, be it stomping on your keyboard (always remembering to squarely step on CTRL + ALT + DELETE) or wandering into a video conference with your boss Steven while you discuss your annual raise.

I believe my youth is an asset. An older cat may be stuck in their ways, waking you up at the same hour in the morning and eating out of the usual bowl. I, on the other paw, will choose a new time each dawn to rouse you with my claws. In fact, I don’t even require a bowl. I’ll eat lint, buttons, and small insects off the floor. In the spirit of cutting costs, I’ll even assist you in consuming the single ice cream sandwich you allowed yourself for the week. No thanks necessary; that’s just the job.

I plan to hit the ground running, and then run some more, and then more, then hit a wall, and after that you can rest assured I’ll puke on your open laptop. You didn’t need that anniversary note to your girlfriend, did you? I can gag it back up, I promise. Let me hop on that keyboard real quick.

Working unusual hours is something I’m quite familiar with and you can rest assured I’ll be available any hour of the day, besides my morning nap from 10-11:30, or my afternoon windowsill nap from 1-3, and I generally like to take a post-windowsill-nap nap from 3:15-6. But a quick brainstorm sesh at 5:15 AM? I’m there. Impromptu meow circle around 1 AM? That has my name written all over it.

I do have some prior experience, however. While in my past role at an animal shelter, I was promoted to the farthest crate in the back for what my direct supervisors called “howling of the loudest and most ungodly nature.” I did this not because I was hungry or lonely, merely because I could. That’s the kind of can-do attitude I will bring to this role in your home.

At the end of the day, it comes down to values. If honesty and hard work define who you are, then I’ll provide a fantastic counter-balance with my constant deceit and overwhelming apathy to most daily events.

I appreciate you taking the time to consider me for this exciting role. I would love to meow further to elaborate more on the disruptions I’ll cause your home, as well as my specific plans regarding your eternal and undying love for my very tiny, and very cute, self.

A Kitten