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After a big fight, he usually: A) Shotguns a Four Loko in a gas station parking lot B) Chugs a pint of Fireball on your front yard
Does he have his phone? A) Yes and he’s very active on a thread about sending things down "The Alaska Pipeline." B) Negative. There’s no 5G in 0g.
If you buy a homemade ice cream maker or a cookie decorating kit, you are contributing to the child obesity epidemic sweeping America.
When a store cashier asks if you found everything you need, it is against the law to say, ''No, I couldn't find granola with almonds and raisins.''
The first time you met him, he left you wanting more. Despite knowing he's been with dozens of other people, you're not threatened.
Your next tweet will go viral, attracting the attention of your biggest celebrity crush and leading to a passionate affair. (1 in 40.3 billion)
A quiet night in with 60 or more Roman Senators – Don't overthink it! If she's a down-to-earth type, this all she wants on March 15.
Superman, now able to construct luxury buildings in a single bound, becomes the most powerful contributor to Metropolis’s rampant gentrification.
'It's online! It's online!' – Frankenstein 'If you start the Webex meeting, he will climb on your lap.' – Field of Dreams
I can survive at a depth of six meters under water up to 30 minutes, unlike your ex who just quit it over a spilled lemonade.
Ganesh, God of New Beginnings: I'm all for New Year's resolutions, but I bet you ten rupees she uses that annual yoga studio pass exactly once.
Kid: I like your new shirt, Mama! Me: Thanks! Kid: I like how it makes you look like you have a big baby in your belly.