Funny Lists

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List: How to Make a Pop-Tort

Remove your hot tart halves from the toaster. Do not use oven mitts or hand coverings. The tarts will be exceptionally brittle.

Now, more than ever: people you’ve never been in contact with are saying, “There are still ways we can stay connected.”

A towel on another towel means, “These towels are having sex. Do not disturb. The mating dance of the hotel towel is delicate.”

I acknowledge that I can change my sweatpants if I want to or I can wear the same ones every day forever and only I have the power to choose.

You have dreams of leaving your hometown for some far away place you can reinvent yourself, some wild and distant land like Minneapolis.

The party was going to have two different kinds of ice cream cake. / I had serious concerns whether Dennis Rodman was going to be a good roster fit.

After being diagnosed with arthritis, Diane made a joint resolution not to attempt any more roundhouse kicks.

Works hard but makes no money / Loves avocado and salmon breakfasts / Obsessed with filtered water / Goes on many long, sad walks

Farvardin: One who protects the good and the pure / Wendy: Says "I love you" way too frivolously

Mr. Bingley - Headed back to his parents mansion the moment shit went down. Makes parody videos in front of his pool. Tanned—like, SO tanned.

Argentina = Sayonargentina / Ireland = Expireland / Israel = Wasrael / Italy = Quitaly / Portugal = Deportugal / Qatar = Qatar Loose

I think I just saw Grandma's ghost! She’s headed towards the Applebee's down the street. I should follow her just to make sure she gets a booth.