I’m so overjoyed to be here in this church surrounded by all our loved ones, standing on this altar with my soon-to-be wife, I promise we’ll introduce you in a second, but first I want to say a word for our sponsor, Kara’s father, who paid for the whole thing tonight. Give it up for Glen, everybody.
And we of course couldn't have done any of this without the free digital scale from stamps.com, which took the hassle out of mailing all those invitations.
Sorry, have we started yet?
Okay, let’s get into it. Today on the show we’ve got Monsignor John Murphy. Welcome, John.
No, I realize it’s your church and not a show, I was just…. Sorry, we can edit this out, right? No, we can’t? Fine. On to the vows.
Kara, from today onward, you and I will be one in heart, body, and mind.
Hey, can we curse on this thing?
I promise that every fucking kiss will be filled with more love than the last. I will always cherish you—In sickness and in health. Over a weeks-long retrospective of the Rush Hour movie franchise and in an exhausting 14-episode miniseries ranking the best soups.
Through delicious Hello Fresh meals to less satisfying AG1 meal replacement shakes. No matter what life may throw at us, I promise that your first kit will always be free with promo code “wedding.”
By the way, guests who subscribe to my Patreon can hear an ad-free version of these vows.
I promise to be patient, honest, and adoring as long as we both shall live. Also, I hope you will be patient and understanding when my cohost, the man with the most annoying goddamn laugh in recorded history, joins us on our honeymoon.
Okay, let’s take a quick break. We'll be back after a quick word about the reception.
Believe it or not, the traditional garter toss has existed for centuries. While this quasi-lewd act may be an integral part of many wedding receptions, after a full evening of tying the knot, snapping endless photos, and greeting every long-lost uncle and third cousin, you might not be feeling so fresh down in your “nethers.” That’s where MeUndies comes in. MeUndies’ patented, moisture-wicking material helps eliminate odor, keeping you comfortable from ceremony to last dance. We’d like to thank MeUndies for sponsoring our garter toss.
My love, I give you this ring to wear with joy. With pod as our witness, I choose you as my partner in life. I pledge to honor you every day. You are my everything, and I can’t wait to take this lifelong adventure with you by my side.
Lastly, I want to thank Blue Chew for sponsoring our wedding night.