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While everyone is looking at your waving hand, use your other hand to reach into your pocket for the smoke pellet you keep for situations like this.
And if you don’t, let’s just say we have ways to make you like the way you look. I fucking guarantee it.
It seems obvious that this tool for organizing a multicultural liberal democracy would be perfect for organizing a short vacation for a group of friends who’ve slowly drifted apart since college.
The Magna Carta was signed in 1215. Mind you, this was before cell phones, so King John couldn’t Docusign from home while wearing his best pair of sweats.
What else was I supposed to do, take practical steps to be a better father and husband? Who has the time for that?
I haven’t felt this confident since that first draft, which I dashed off when Bush the First was elected president.
Occasions perfect for: Simultaneously filling out a HIPPA release form, power of attorney, and a third copy of the field trip permission slip your kid keeps forgetting to turn in.
With this card, you will still enjoy the same tiers of service with our travel partners, but with updated levels of service to keep up with current trends in wealth disparity.
Time to move my body! Right now I’m super into Body by Hephaestus, which is power yoga while wearing a weighted tactical vest in a 140-degree room.
Cats that watch videos of birds are more likely to get feline dementia than cats who go outside and see real birds. It’s true.
Gotta be those great New York fish. You seen these fish? New York fish have chutzpah. They've seen it all.
No one asked for this, but they never said we couldn’t do it either. It just seemed like something the world needed.