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We would like to apologize to some of our team members for leaving them off our initial list: Kyle in shipping, our office temp Brayden, and Aquaman.
We know you're eager to get back to inconsistent monthly visits to your 87-year-old father and checking your watch and sighing the entire time.
Through budgeting tweaks and a winning Powerball lottery ticket, you, too, can be living with no debt and $400 million in savings.
I know that our omni-everything boss is obsessed with blood metaphors, but this seems a bit gratuitous.
I should never have strayed from the routine. The second I opened that dessert cupboard I knew it was a mistake.
It consists of wearing a bespoke suit, carrying a pocket watch, looking through binoculars, and having a staunch belief that America peaked in 1948.
It was never my intention to glamorize having lots of sex with beautiful women and I'm sorry if it came across that way.
I wouldn’t know what to do with multi-book deals and movie rights and reprint rights and the avalanche of capital from being on the bestseller list.
If someone had asked me before I found her who Amelia Earhart was, I would have asked “Who?” unsuspiciously.
The reality: You wouldn’t guess that gasoline is more precious than blood in the Southern Wastes with how long these rats were on that engine block.
Concocting a knuckle sandwich is a delicacy in itself, and should be taken with care.
You don't really believe the peeing in bottles thing do you? If that were true, these blankets wouldn't be so soft and comforting.