Are you a middle-aged man scheduled for your first colonoscopy? If so, you may be worried about pain, discomfort, or embarrassment. I understand what you are feeling. My name is Philip, and I have assisted at hundreds of colonoscopies. No, I am not a gastroenterologist. I am a Certified Colonoscopy Doula, and I offer a full spectrum of holistic care for the mind and spirit of men undergoing this honored ritual.

First, please be aware that I insist on a drug-free, natural colonoscopy, so that you can be perfectly connected with the moment and open to the meditative breakthroughs that can only be sparked by a fully aware endoscopic evaluation of the colonic mucosa. We believe that the treasured memories of your colonoscopy should be remembered vibrantly, not viewed through a murky veil of anesthetics pushed on you by the medical community.

Let me explain how my bespoke packages can help you make your colonoscopy not merely a procedure, but a celebration.

All packages include three office visits in which we openly (and often emotionally!) discuss your dreams and fears for the momentous occasion. I will explain my patented home colonoscopy study system (activity book, practice probe, and FaceTime support included). Diligent preparation using this system will ease your fears and help you achieve all your goals for the magical day. During this stage we encourage you to join our Discord server to share your story with other men undergoing this journey, compare progress, and celebrate achievements!

An important part of centering yourself prior to the event is the much-maligned pre-procedure cleansing regimen. To make it as pleasant as possible, my Gold Package includes two gallons of my colon flushing beverage, a proprietary blend of special ingredients including eucalyptus oil, absinthe, Mexican cola, and Mentos. The recipe has been handed down in my family for generations and originated with my great-great-grandfather, who curated the colonoscopies of multiple Gilded Age captains of industry. Your duodenum will not merely be cleaned, it will be absolved of all of its sins.

The Silver Package includes all benefits of the Gold Package, plus services to create an heirloom-quality visual record of your experience. I highly recommend our on-staff art photographer, who specializes in sepia tints and digital compositing to create touching remembrances suitable for framing. Or, as a lighthearted alternative, I can bring in a talented caricaturist who can capture your expressions and emotions during the event with exaggerated whimsy. All packages receive one 8×10 print, two 5×7 prints, and a free wallet-size print of any polyps discovered.

All packages include my personal accompaniment in the endoscopy suite, where I will offer physical, emotional, and conversational support throughout the procedure. As your doctor performs a meticulous, fold‑by‑fold evaluation of the colon from cecum to rectum, you may choose between existing in meditative silence or freely sharing thoughts on any topic. In my experience, in these moments of trusting vulnerability, many middle-aged men open up like beautiful flowers. They reveal concerns they don’t feel welcome to discuss with their families—from sensitive medical concerns to the lack of enforcement of the 3-second rule in the NBA to whether “Nebraska” or “Born to Run” is the better Springsteen album. This is your time, and I will be there to listen without judgement. (Though it’s definitely “Nebraska.”)

For those who wish for the ultimate experience, my Platinum Package adds a shaman, DJ, and commemorative tote bag. While you are welcome to suggest favorite tracks for the DJ’s playlist, be advised that he reserves artistic license to monitor the vibe of the colonoscopy closely and drop special beats or dope up the tempo to complement the room’s energy.

When the process is complete, we end with a personalized departure blessing and a gentle, guided transition from the sacred space of the colonoscopy suite to the extra-plush seats of my custom conversion van. We will whisk you to our Recovery Grotto, a sensitively converted office supply closet featuring soft lighting, an overstuffed La-Z-Boy, unlimited vanilla ice cream, and a big screen TV showing an infinite loop of Super Bowl highlights from the 1980s. You may remain here as long as you wish, up to 4:30 P.M. or when another client arrives, whichever comes first. Here you will mentally achieve closure from your colonoscopy experience and prepare to enter the world refreshed, wearing your complimentary “I had a colonoscopy with Phil and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” T-shirt.

I look forward to speaking with you about how I may walk with you along this sacred path with comfort and acceptance, not fear. You, and your colon, are stronger than you know.